Deciding Who You Want To Be

I've been on a journey the last few months, a reflective journey. For me, the transition from winter to spring stirs things up and gets me thinking. Most of my unresolved challenges show up, reminding me of the inner conflicts between what I want and what I have. I know, when the timing is right, they will fit into my life puzzle perfectly. The Matrix Revolutions has a great line, "...you didn't come here to make a choice, you've already made it. You're here to try to understand why you made it."

Most of the time, I don't find any answers. Rather, the answers find me. There's great advice out there about, "when you stop looking, the answer arrives". There is more advice out there that says, "if you don't look, you don't find". Personally, I think you have to do both. Look for awhile and then let it go. Like sending out a beacon so the answer can find you. I like to send out the beacons in spring and watch the answers arrive throughout the year. Not that I do it purposefully, that's just how it seems to turn out.

So, deciding who I want to be. I've become more aware lately that I get to decide where I sit on the continuum of life. Yes, I know that we change moment to moment and situation to situation. But generally speaking, I get to decide what I believe, how I respond and how I present myself to the world at large. For example, if I am super nice and easy going, many people like me AND many people will take advantage. If I am cautious and thoughtful, I am respected AND it can be difficult to get close to people. Every action has a consequence and I get to decide which benefits I want compared to which consequences I am willing to live with. This applies to a colorful array of relationships with both people and ideas.

"Who I have been" is based on experiences from my past, my parent's past and back through my family. These experiences were based on specific situations which might not be true anymore. When I approach myself with the idea that "nothing is as it seems", I get to literally rewrite my history and my brain influencing my health and every other aspect of my reality. Once again, the advice of others shows up, "question everything" and "relax and let life happen".

So I will continue to query and meditate and dream; explore and experiment and watch. Trusting in the process of personal growth which includes my methods to "control" it. And so, I wish myself and you insight and peace on this journey of living.