Who Yam I?
The last few days, I've had some good conversations with friends. The type of conversations where I can vent as long as I want about something that's been bothering me and get some good support and feedback. The conversation will shift to the weather or a book and then once again, out of the blue, I just have to say- "you know, I really HATE that" referring to whatever I've been stewing about. Sometimes, the process of insight about something takes years and years. I'll forget about it until it gets stirred up again and I once again cycle through all of my thoughts and feelings about "that thing". I actually have quite a few unresolved "things" floating around however, unlike many people I know, I don't worry about it. I believe that I'll work it out eventually. Or not.
So the "thing" I've been mildly obsessing about was a few years ago. I was asked to sit outside of a group, as in, "the group is reserved for important people and you're not it". I had been showing up for years to these events, contributing my money and time, being patient, showing up to support my important friends and still- I was just a spectator to the important people. Consequently, I quietly left the event, stopped showing up and stopped being an active supporter. On the one hand, if you don't show up, you can't be included. On the other hand, I'm much happier not waiting around to feel wanted which may or may not ever happen with this group. A dilemma. Am I stifling my "path to enlightenment" by walking away? Closing my heart? Not learning "my lesson"?
Now that I think about it, "they" (the ubiquitous "they") say if you don't learn your lesson it will just come back until you do. As if something nasty will happen if you don't get hit in the head with a lightening bolt or have a prophetic dream. Thus, I will keep being rejected until I discover true enlightenment.
Funny though, instead of varied experiences of crushing rejection, I've learned to walk away. If, after a reasonable period of time, someone doesn't value me- I walk away with no real harm or foul. It's actually kind of nice. The story makes me laugh (albeit a little meanly) and reminds me why it's important to respect myself. The whole experience is kind of fun, even the jokes about waiting for the bogey man to come get me because I'm not holy enough. Maybe I'll never get it. But for the time being, I seem reasonably content with my crazy mix of happy, sad, angry, irritated, judgmental, funny, mean feelings. Or, maybe, like Mooji says (love youtube), I already have it :)
So the "thing" I've been mildly obsessing about was a few years ago. I was asked to sit outside of a group, as in, "the group is reserved for important people and you're not it". I had been showing up for years to these events, contributing my money and time, being patient, showing up to support my important friends and still- I was just a spectator to the important people. Consequently, I quietly left the event, stopped showing up and stopped being an active supporter. On the one hand, if you don't show up, you can't be included. On the other hand, I'm much happier not waiting around to feel wanted which may or may not ever happen with this group. A dilemma. Am I stifling my "path to enlightenment" by walking away? Closing my heart? Not learning "my lesson"?
Now that I think about it, "they" (the ubiquitous "they") say if you don't learn your lesson it will just come back until you do. As if something nasty will happen if you don't get hit in the head with a lightening bolt or have a prophetic dream. Thus, I will keep being rejected until I discover true enlightenment.
Funny though, instead of varied experiences of crushing rejection, I've learned to walk away. If, after a reasonable period of time, someone doesn't value me- I walk away with no real harm or foul. It's actually kind of nice. The story makes me laugh (albeit a little meanly) and reminds me why it's important to respect myself. The whole experience is kind of fun, even the jokes about waiting for the bogey man to come get me because I'm not holy enough. Maybe I'll never get it. But for the time being, I seem reasonably content with my crazy mix of happy, sad, angry, irritated, judgmental, funny, mean feelings. Or, maybe, like Mooji says (love youtube), I already have it :)
Forget about 'Enlightenment' - Satsang with Mooji
posted by Unknown at
9:27 AM
2 Comments:
FUCK'em if they can't take a joke. Enlightenment what is it any way, Just something a Shepherd invented to keep his flock searching. We already have it we were born with it inside us yet "they" want us to think we don't.
Your helping people that's what's important. working on be the best you can be and doing your own work. There's alot of "them" out there that have not done there own work and it shows on how they treat others.
LOVE & LIGHT
Buff
Rita, the few times I've been around you in person I've heard this theme of yours about not fitting in or feeling different. I've always had it too so maybe that's why we get along well.
I've been doing something like this too, where I think I need to go to Church to make sure my kids aren't too fucked up. or I need to go do this fellowship thing to be a good Christian. I think maybe alot of this stuff is bullshit to make us follow religion and send our dollars somewhere besides our own pocket.
I just honestly don't like people enough in conversation to engage that much with them....or maybe it's just the people in my neighborhood or my church. They are all used to me and don't talk to me too much either. So it all works out : )
Love
Lucy
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