Give Conflict a Chance
Peace. It's a loaded word. What does it look like? What does it mean?
Is it the absence of conflict? Can peace exist without conflict? I think most people are secretly conflicted about peace. Just look at peace negotiations.
There are times and events in my life that predictably and unpredictably trigger my inner conflict- holidays, certain events, certain memories. Doesn't everyone want to get drunk at Christmas? I become agitated, tense, confused and all of the swirling emotions with just the whisper of a thought of something I'm conflicted about.
Generally speaking, I don't like feeling conflicted. When I am, it takes all of my self-control to drive by the Dairy-Freeze. Sometimes the triple fudge sundae wins. Sometimes, someone unintentionally volunteers to fight with me. Either way, I inevitably seem to lose- even when I won. Strained pants, strained relationships and remorse. I've spent a lot of time avoiding conflict or rushing into it. I've batted poorly using those life strategies.
Conflict is something that sneaks up on us. We think we are objective, open minded people until...whoops...we become righteously angry, narrow minded and rude. Do you think everyone around you can't see and feel it? If you're lucky, they ignore you. We usually don't see it as conflict because we are distracted by a grab you by the hair kind of feeling. If you pay attention to the aftermath, you'll notice that you were/are conflicted on one level or another. Although my partner enjoys feeling "right" at times, he doesn't always enjoy it when I consequently walk out of the room or the inevitable remorse when I prove he was being stupid. Make up sex you say? Seriously, how many long-lasting happy relationships say make up sex kept them together?
So, how do I, personally, get rid of conflict and the resulting butt-kicking, stomach aches and wrinkles that come with it? I don't. I make peace with it.This life strategy works like a charm. The more I accept I'm conflicted and then use tools like art, dialogue, meditation, dreams etc to learn more about my conflict, the less it controls me and the more I broaden my point of view to include both of the conflicting thoughts. For example, writing on my hand, "my family loves me very much" to remind me that although my family makes me crazy, they love me and are doing their best. Or, recognizing that getting drunk can keep me from feeling so crazy, however, I will feel remorseful about the resulting photographs on facebook of me in my bra and panties at "Red's". My current strategy is going to the bathroom and texting "they're all crazy!!" until I'm calm again.
In more mature relationships, I talk about what I'm feeling in a respectful and honest way and usually find out that my assumption was off the mark. A friend of mine says, "if you don't hear from me, it just means I didn't call". I don't/didn't need to cry. I don't/didn't need to freak out. And my crying and freaking out creates/created a crises when there is/was none. When freaking out is just in the cards and I can't help it, I admit it and laugh and it levels out. In most relationships, the more I question and learn, the less conflicted I feel. Even if I initially feel conflicted, with time, I've found greater and greater peace. Another friend of mine says, "just keep showing up".
There are a couple of things I remind myself of over and over (especially before Christmas)
- I don't believe it's possible to be "totally right" or "totally wrong".
- The further you go in one emotional direction is the further you will go in the other.
- It is through conflict that we find peace.
- We know peace because we know conflict.
- I am judgmental about something I don't fully understand or have compassion for.
- A definition of wisdom is peacefully holding two conflicted beliefs, simultaneously.
The ANSWER TO THE UNIVERSE!! By making peace with my conflict, I've become more comfortable with the creepy and unsettling feeling that comes with conflict. Except when you're a stupid idiot who should never be allowed to drive!! Jerk.
Is it the absence of conflict? Can peace exist without conflict? I think most people are secretly conflicted about peace. Just look at peace negotiations.
There are times and events in my life that predictably and unpredictably trigger my inner conflict- holidays, certain events, certain memories. Doesn't everyone want to get drunk at Christmas? I become agitated, tense, confused and all of the swirling emotions with just the whisper of a thought of something I'm conflicted about.
Generally speaking, I don't like feeling conflicted. When I am, it takes all of my self-control to drive by the Dairy-Freeze. Sometimes the triple fudge sundae wins. Sometimes, someone unintentionally volunteers to fight with me. Either way, I inevitably seem to lose- even when I won. Strained pants, strained relationships and remorse. I've spent a lot of time avoiding conflict or rushing into it. I've batted poorly using those life strategies.
Conflict is something that sneaks up on us. We think we are objective, open minded people until...whoops...we become righteously angry, narrow minded and rude. Do you think everyone around you can't see and feel it? If you're lucky, they ignore you. We usually don't see it as conflict because we are distracted by a grab you by the hair kind of feeling. If you pay attention to the aftermath, you'll notice that you were/are conflicted on one level or another. Although my partner enjoys feeling "right" at times, he doesn't always enjoy it when I consequently walk out of the room or the inevitable remorse when I prove he was being stupid. Make up sex you say? Seriously, how many long-lasting happy relationships say make up sex kept them together?
So, how do I, personally, get rid of conflict and the resulting butt-kicking, stomach aches and wrinkles that come with it? I don't. I make peace with it.This life strategy works like a charm. The more I accept I'm conflicted and then use tools like art, dialogue, meditation, dreams etc to learn more about my conflict, the less it controls me and the more I broaden my point of view to include both of the conflicting thoughts. For example, writing on my hand, "my family loves me very much" to remind me that although my family makes me crazy, they love me and are doing their best. Or, recognizing that getting drunk can keep me from feeling so crazy, however, I will feel remorseful about the resulting photographs on facebook of me in my bra and panties at "Red's". My current strategy is going to the bathroom and texting "they're all crazy!!" until I'm calm again.
In more mature relationships, I talk about what I'm feeling in a respectful and honest way and usually find out that my assumption was off the mark. A friend of mine says, "if you don't hear from me, it just means I didn't call". I don't/didn't need to cry. I don't/didn't need to freak out. And my crying and freaking out creates/created a crises when there is/was none. When freaking out is just in the cards and I can't help it, I admit it and laugh and it levels out. In most relationships, the more I question and learn, the less conflicted I feel. Even if I initially feel conflicted, with time, I've found greater and greater peace. Another friend of mine says, "just keep showing up".
There are a couple of things I remind myself of over and over (especially before Christmas)
- I don't believe it's possible to be "totally right" or "totally wrong".
- The further you go in one emotional direction is the further you will go in the other.
- It is through conflict that we find peace.
- We know peace because we know conflict.
- I am judgmental about something I don't fully understand or have compassion for.
- A definition of wisdom is peacefully holding two conflicted beliefs, simultaneously.
The ANSWER TO THE UNIVERSE!! By making peace with my conflict, I've become more comfortable with the creepy and unsettling feeling that comes with conflict. Except when you're a stupid idiot who should never be allowed to drive!! Jerk.
posted by Unknown at
11:36 AM
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