Who Yam I?

The last few days, I've had some good conversations with friends. The type of conversations where I can vent as long as I want about something that's been bothering me and get some good support and feedback. The conversation will shift to the weather or a book and then once again, out of the blue, I just have to say- "you know, I really HATE that" referring to whatever I've been stewing about. Sometimes, the process of insight about something takes years and years. I'll forget about it until it gets stirred up again and I once again cycle through all of my thoughts and feelings about "that thing". I actually have quite a few unresolved "things" floating around however, unlike many people I know, I don't worry about it. I believe that I'll work it out eventually. Or not.

So the "thing" I've been mildly obsessing about was a few years ago. I was asked to sit outside of a group, as in, "the group is reserved for important people and you're not it". I had been showing up for years to these events, contributing my money and time, being patient, showing up to support my important friends and still- I was just a spectator to the important people. Consequently, I quietly left the event, stopped showing up and stopped being an active supporter. On the one hand, if you don't show up, you can't be included. On the other hand, I'm much happier not waiting around to feel wanted which may or may not ever happen with this group. A dilemma. Am I stifling my "path to enlightenment" by walking away? Closing my heart? Not learning "my lesson"?

Now that I think about it, "they" (the ubiquitous "they") say if you don't learn your lesson it will just come back until you do. As if something nasty will happen if you don't get hit in the head with a lightening bolt or have a prophetic dream. Thus, I will keep being rejected until I discover true enlightenment.

Funny though, instead of varied experiences of crushing rejection, I've learned to walk away. If, after a reasonable period of time, someone doesn't value me- I walk away with no real harm or foul. It's actually kind of nice. The story makes me laugh (albeit a little meanly) and reminds me why it's important to respect myself. The whole experience is kind of fun, even the jokes about waiting for the bogey man to come get me because I'm not holy enough. Maybe I'll never get it. But for the time being, I seem reasonably content with my crazy mix of happy, sad, angry, irritated, judgmental, funny, mean feelings. Or, maybe, like Mooji says (love youtube), I already have it :)

Forget about 'Enlightenment' - Satsang with Mooji

Who's Driving the Motorhome? Or Wellness and Your State of Mind.

My birthday is this weekend. May is a busy time and as much as I've wanted to celebrate it, it has usually disappointed me. I've tried turning it into a birthday month, hosting a party, doing something special and doing nothing at all. And yet, every year at this time, I get very irritated and feel like I've hit an emotional wall. I don't care, I can't get anything done and the rest of the world can just disappear. Happy birthday to me :)

Inevitably, I start to turn to the mystical arts- who doesn't when the practical doesn't seem to be working? So I asked myself before I went to bed, "what's going on?". I hoped my dreams would point me in the right direction. They resulted in a dream about driving a motor home on the tv show Top Gear (how did such a bunch of schmo's make the big time? How do I get a job like that?). Hmmm.... Believe it or not, this made sense to me. I love dream analysis and get a lot of insight about things by paying attention to my dreams. Here is where it led me.

Our brains have many different parts and each part has it's own personality, role and it's own "opinion" lets say. It's the reason we sometimes feel as if we are of two minds. These different opinions are influenced by our brain health, our body health, our conditioning and many other mysterious factors. So, to me, there is a personality that kicks in around this time every year. I have a different "me" than normal driving this successful and funny motor home I call my life.

Because of my upbringing, my birthday represents the unrealized expectations of most children from my background- on my birthday there were no parades, no keys to the city, the world didn't stop, everyone didn't bow etc etc. This, of course, meant I was truly ALONE. No one really cared, I wasn't really important and nothing anyone could do could prove it otherwise. And at this stage of my life, it was all too little and too late. So there.

Because of this latent association with my birthday, every year, I get irritable, anxious and frustrated. The harder I try to do things, the more I feel blocked. When I finally remember what is happening, the only answer is to stop driving the motor home. I have to park it and stare out the window a while until I get my bearings and switch drivers with my cousin, the open-hearted reasonable part of my brain.

So what does this have to do with wellness? Well, your state of mind determines your choices, your reactions, your body language, your desires- pretty much everything. When I'm irritated, I crave fat, sugar and chocolate. It's tough not to justify going to Culver's. When I'm in a good state of mind, I can drive on past in the self-satisfied knowledge that I prefer to eat healthy!! Aren't I better than everyone else! Funny. The last few days have acted like "the perfect storm". It's taken all my jasmine essential oil, patience and distraction to not mess them up more than they seemed to be.

Learning how to change your state of mind so that you make healthy decisions tends to be an under-appreciated art and a science. It's also been something I've studied all of my life because I have terrible will-power and an addiction to feeling good. I've had to figure out how to stay healthy and enjoy my life. I've learned that taking the time to "change my mind" has proved to be the most efficient and effective way to do anything at all including grow my business, my relationships and my life.

So, back to my birthday. Today, I realized I needed to take the time to address this "ALL ALONE" state of mind I've subconsciously been in. I do this by using my tried and true figure it out techniques - dedicated time, without guilt, to take a hot shower, sit out in nature, let it stew in my head, express it in some way and let a bigger understanding float to the surface. If I ignore it and push through, it takes me twice as long to get anything done and I usually botch it all up. However if I do something mindless like watch the squirrels or dig a hole, I change my mind and my brain into a healthier/more successful reality. So what did I discover? That sincerely, this birthday thing really doesn't mean anything at all. Maybe next year I won't get so irritated.