Why Do We Feel Lonely?

Charlie was sitting at home, waiting for a phone call. Her mom called, a telemarketer, some guy from work. But still, the one person she wanted to hear from hadn't called. She felt terribly lonely. First she got mad, then sad. Then resigned to the fact that they weren't going to call. She remembered all the times she'd been blown off when little, been unimportant and ignored. That's when she called me and made an appointment.

Why do we feel lonely? When we're small, we have young and tender hearts. There are so many things we don't understand and through this misunderstanding, we get hurt. From a busy parent to a thoughtless remark, in this hectic world, our injured feelings rarely get validated. There's just no time (or interest) for most people to care. If we do have parents and friends who listen, they can't be there 24/7 and so from time to time, everyone remembers feeling emotionally isolated and lonely.

We first feel loneliness as children. My generation were latch-key kids. We spent time in day-cares, with babysitters and on our own. Television, books and peers shaped our internal reality. Some latch-key kids loved all the unstructured time. They had opportunities to grow and explore their interests. For others, emotional loneliness became a way of life- after all, big boys and girls don't cry. We became little adults who knew how to cope because there just wasn't enough time or patience to soothe a bruised heart.   

Irregardless of the generation, children actually raise themselves.  They keep their own counsel, create their own rules, decide what they believe. No one else can ever be inside their head, living their interior reality. Every child determines their own inner life and so ultimately, parent themselves. Most caregivers agree, all they can do is create a safe space and impart some wisdom along the way. Teenagers. Need I say more?    

On the downside of this self-parenting, children feel strong emotions without the insights of experience and an adult brain. They feel loneliness, but lack the wiring or knowledge to turn it around and feel connected.  To feel truly connected, we have to see things from an emotional AND logical viewpoint. To live it. To walk in another's shoes. To think far beyond our own projected, and limited, needs and feelings. By the time children have a full, adult body, they've created a whole reality based on incompletely understood experiences. To cope with these buried misunderstandings, we've created a culture of shame and blame, divorces and positive thinking quotes, all trying to make sense of our disconnection. In actuality, we just weren't taught how to feel connected and in turn, loneliness became helplessness. 

So what causes us to feel lonely? Loneliness begins in the mind and occurs when we feel disconnected. We've focused inward, built protective walls and forgot to feel bigger than ourselves. Maybe a childhood memory or intuition tells us it's not safe, timely or appropriate to feel connected. 

Despite what we believe, connection doesn't require people, safety, a ceremony or a soul-mate. Connection happens when we see/feel ourselves in other people, our surroundings, in the universe. We recognize our similarities and think BEYOND ourselves to our universal community. That's how we feel connected. How many of us were lucky enough to learn THAT as children. Not many. Loneliness signals us to put down our guard and recognize our inter-connectedness with life. Our place in the whole.

As children, we all feel lonely and misunderstood at one time or another because our brains and body MUST be focused on our growth and survival. If we're lucky, we're taught to think and consider different points of view. Taught how to relax and let ourselves feel our place in the world, our role in the bigger picture. If we weren't so fortunate, we carry those childhood hurts, loneliness and disconnect into our adulthood- letting it shape our choices and perceptions. At least until life hurts so badly we're forced to re-examine and open our minds.

Only when we re-examine our past, in the light of maturity, can we put our experiences in their proper place. Our childhood hurts and disappointments diminish with our conscious choice to love and connect. They don't go away, and they shouldn't. Instead, we see them with a wider, more experienced focus.

In this perspective, no one can hurt you.  You choose whether to feel lonely or connected. If you still feel hurt and loneliness, and who doesn't, it's part of the process of growing up. Nothing to be too concerned about. Look for the truth behind the emotion, the humanity behind the experience and choose to feel connected wherever you go- except when you'd rather not :)