Overcome Shame With Compassion

Why can we get so hurt and mad when someone "pokes fun at us"? Sometimes it's no big deal and we fire back. Other times they hit a sensitive spot and we rewind into our past, some time or event when we felt ashamed.

Shame is personal. It implies more than just unpopular behavior, it implies we're broken and possibly un-fixable. With that doomsday cloud hanging over our heads, it's a wonder we get through our days at all.

Shame comes in many forms- a look, a voice, a phrase, body language. We use it quite effectively to keep our children out of the street (Get over here!) and influence our partners, (You're not going to wear THAT are you?). It's also used to keep someone silent (Just shut up!) and maintain the status quo (What, are you stupid?). When we start looking for shame, it's everywhere. It's not always obvious- sometimes we imply shame by being TOO helpful when we're clearly unhappy, (No, it's fine, really) or by setting someone up to fail (I KNEW he'd forget to take out the garbage!). As a world we've shamed and been shamed.

With a voice or body language or a phrase, we try to influence someone to feel bad enough to stop doing whatever they're doing- covertly calling them thoughtless, insensitive and stupid... It's hard not to take shame personally because it passes judgment on our person-hood. However, as effective as it is short-term, (and really, is it?) shame sparks a whole host of seemingly unrelated, long-term, destructive behaviors.

When someone feels shamed, they may get mad, unreasonable, defiant. Sometimes they shut down and refuse to communicate. Other times they hide their creativity and intelligence, looking the part but seething, hurting and planning their battles. Shame holds us back in sports, business, relationships, life. How many of us see our goals and give up before we reach them? Sure that we can't do it. We justify ending relationships, jobs, or justify keeping relationships and jobs because underneath we believe we deserve unhappiness. We use eating, shopping, drugs, competition...whatever we can find to make us feel like better people and distract ourselves from those feelings of "not good enough".

This isn't pop psychology where I now give you, "the answer" or validate that you're a "good guy" not one of those horrible "other people". The people doing the shaming, is us. And don't kid yourself, we all use it because it presses buttons. We feel it's expedient and necessary to get what we want and do so, shamelessly, because we can't directly feel our targets' complicated and emotional inner experience. "It's just a tool", we think, "so what's the harm?". The shamer is much more objective and detached than the one being shamed so it's easy to use. It's clean, it's effective and if they've got a problem with it, that's their fault- they should have known better. Like bombs and grenades and war tactics for the emotions.

So what's next? Shame is everywhere and while it holds us back as people and cultures, we're not going to eradicate it in ourselves or others. Acceptance, as they say, is the first step. We're not going to get rid of it, so instead be mindful of when we feel like using it. But how do we get around the well planted seeds in our psyche, as shamer and shamed? One way, is with compassion.

Compassion is bigger than feeling sorry. Compassion comes with emotion, acceptance and connection. We feel someone's difficulty (because we've felt similarly), understand where it comes from (because we know ourselves well), see where it's going (action = consequence) and mindfully choose our response (I'm not doing THAT again). Compassion gives us clearer vision in our relationships. Taking the time to respond with compassion rather than react unreasonably changes the shame choreography and rewrites our scripted past.

Compassion in the face of shame may look like this. Boss: "If you're 5 minutes late, don't bother to come at all!". Employee Thought 1: "What an inflexible jerk! I really need this job!" (this might take a day or 2 or a week or a year). Employee Thought 2: "Wait, sometimes I'm inflexible and unreasonable. And, if worst came to worse, it might be hard to be unemployed but I've done it before." Employee Thought 3: "When someone acts unreasonably, usually there's something else going on. Is it humane to pass judgement on them without all the facts? Is it humane to feel terrorized, essentially turning them into a monster?" Magic happens when we choose compassion and resist shame's influence.

Compassion gives us options: take their comment into consideration without taking it personally, look for a new situation, temporarily write off their temper as stress, show up 5 minutes early or develop rapport with them, waiting patiently for an opportunity, then compassionately pointing out the similarities between being 5 minutes late and their less than perfect behavior. Because there will come a time when they are less than perfect- such as when they lost their cool and yelled at you.

In these situations, one of my favorite funny lines is, "Oh, so it's okay for you to make a mistake but it's not okay for me. I get it. Good to know." Whereas my good friend addresses it directly with, "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that. Next time please speak to me differently." He then convincingly adds, "or I'll have to go the Union Steward." (or whomever fits the situation). I'm not comfortable speaking so directly so when necessary, I rehearse it until I am. The feminine generally responds to humor while the masculine responds to clear boundaries.

It's important to match the method with the situation. By compassionately pointing out our collective humanity, people heal their own shameful past. Usually becoming nicer, more flexible people.