How To Walk Through Your Walls

If you want to walk through your walls...just keep walking.

Every so often, it's good to take a break and reflect on how far you've come. It can be hard to remember, but usually your friends closest to you will tell you how much you've changed over the years. I used to disagree, after all, I'm still the same person I always was, only now I do things a little differently. That's technically accurate, but not what they're talking about. Many of us were taught to play down our new learnings and experiences, so we wouldn't come across as arrogant and insensitive, even to ourselves.

But just for a moment, let's play a game. Let's pretend we're looking at someone else's life for a minute so we can see ourselves more clearly. Is there something you have achieved or bought or learned or have today that you didn't have 10 years ago? For me, it's my own business. I always dreamed of being my own boss and now I am. I didn't agonize over it, rather, things just came together and it seemed like the next logical decision. I was fired and lacked the self-confidence to find another full time job. It seemed like the perfect time to start my own business because the fear of public rejection, at that moment, was bigger than the fear of quiet failure.

Perhaps being in a relationship again. Were you widowed, divorced, dumped and thought to yourself...I'll be alone forever. Did it happen? You might be single now, but, if you had to, could you make a relationship work? I read an article that said as some men get older, they get nicer to their wives because they depend on them more. They need someone to care for them so become more considerate, softer and flexible. We change and grow out of necessity. If we didn't, it's because we didn't believe it was necessary.

Maybe it's getting to know someone you've admired or reaching a goal or attaining a status. For the most part, your life is working in the background, setting up the experiences and achievements you've wanted. Life is a lot simpler than we think it is, if we give it the time to unfold. Even the most difficult situation works itself out with time, even if it's with your dying breath or after you've passed away. The things we didn't achieve, with time, we usually realize they didn't matter as much to us in the first place.

You're walking through your walls all the time. When you take the time to reflect, you'll see you've already achieved what you once thought was impossible or only dreamed of. If I've learned anything from my bodywork and mentoring practice, it's that we adapt to our new situations. Maybe it's illness, age, conflict or joy. Sometimes with a fight, sometimes effortlessly...but the universe seems to unfold in front of us. So the real question is...are you okay with that?

Bad boy, bad boy...Watcha gonna do?

Did you ever fall in love with a bad boy (or girl), head over heels, crazy in your head in love...only to find out later on that they weren't strong and cool, they were insecure and scared? Come on, everyone's done it, or been it, at one time or another. Many of us were programmed to desire that external confidence and strength. No matter what the age, on one level or another, we're drawn towards it. 

What happens to those relationships, real or imaginary, when that bad person becomes strong enough to be vulnerable? Maybe we remember all the times we, as the "in love" person, flexed and adjusted to the others' whims. Or maybe waited (or not) for them to respond to our overtures. Was our "in love" really fear of being rejected? When that happened, when they shared their insecurities, did you eventually get angry, disillusioned, resentful? Perhaps suddenly we believed they were never good enough for us, and now they seem small and weak, hardly worth our time. "How could we be so stupid?" we ask ourselves, and proudly respond "That will never happen again!!". And we might not marry that personality type, but we still yearn for the tug and pull and excitement. "Maybe, maybe, maybe..."

Whether it be multi-million corporations, like Stark Electronics in Iron Man, or our spouse- when a formerly strong person shows their emotional weaknesses, we usually don't like them as much as we did, at first. Sure, in a movie, it's great. The boy and girl share their vulnerabilities and they live happily ever after. But in real life, when we've let ourselves be emotionally controlled by this apparent show of strength- perhaps investing money, time, our psyche, it's a big letdown when the object of our affection becomes multi-faceted, human, real. Showing weakness can be a kiss of death. That's probably why we walk around, afraid to ask for what we need and guarded against someone needing us.

But, who are the people, really, who show their weakness? Usually they're the ones who are comfortable with it. They feel strong enough that even if you took advantage of their soft spots, they would be okay. They aren't splashy or domineering with their strengths, rather, they've embraced their wholeness and are stronger for it. As a bonus, they are more sensitive, compassionate and caring about YOUR needs. They generally work harder, support more and are reliable. Hmmm.....

So, after the initial letdown and resentment, who do you want to love, to be in relationship with? The strong, silent type that makes you feel conflicted? Or the softer, yet rock solid personality. The one who embraces both their insecurities and strengths and has no problem expressing both. When the person you thought was powerful, starts to become weak....it's really a sign of strength. Are YOU strong enough to let them?

How To Get Your Needs Met

Have you recently given up something you needed or wanted for the good of someone else? Did you, at one time or another, hope a loved one would accommodate you and your needs and it didn't happen? Frustrating, isn't it? Here's a way to process through any natural irritation, resentment, anger and resignation and get what you need.

Julie Ann was planning a 3 day trip with her Significant. But then, he wanted to go to a house party during that same time, without her. In our minds, while reading this, many of us think, "okay, so what's the problem with that?" But when it happens to us, and it does, we may feel a variety of emotions from rejection, numbness and/or anger that our needs aren't getting met or because we feel blown off and unimportant. So how do we move through this energy and re-frame it so we can create the life and relationship we want?

First, let yourself be angry, hurt, whatever and stew about it for awhile to yourself. Julie Ann has monologues in her head where she says everything she's feeling. When an emotion is triggered, the body releases a cocktail of chemicals effecting our blood flow, energy level and ability to reason. When we deny this physical effect, it turns into headaches, stiffness and fatigue. All you can do is wait for the chemical to run it's course. Drinking water and having a healthy snack like fruit helps too.

When the emotion has leveled, somewhat, Julie Ann starts to question. She starts to remember how important this party is to her partner, their need to feel included, their need to feel independent. When this happens, in comes the depression and thoughts like, "Why don't my needs ever get met? Why am I always accommodating everyone else?" This time, she doesn't monologue in her head, she has a discussion where she says everything she's feeling on this emotional level and responds with her own innate wisdom. Wisdom like, "I often get what I want/need in life, I make sure of it." "I get a lot out of this relationship, understanding another's needs nurtures that." "There are many times they accommodate me and I don't even know it because they don't tell me."

After the internal discussion levels out Julie Ann's emotions, she starts to make alternate plans to get what she really wants and needs. For her, it's validation that she's important- which she gets by reflecting on positive memories, and time with her loved one- which she gets by suggesting a different event that works with both their schedules.

Relationships not only need compassion, they need grounded-ness to keep trying until we get what we need. When we respect but also look beyond our emotions, we find a way to create the life we want.

Why Do We Feel Lonely?

Charlie was sitting at home, waiting for a phone call. Her mom called, a telemarketer, some guy from work. But still, the one person she wanted to hear from hadn't called. She felt terribly lonely. First she got mad, then sad. Then resigned to the fact that they weren't going to call. She remembered all the times she'd been blown off when little, been unimportant and ignored. That's when she called me and made an appointment.

Why do we feel lonely? When we're small, we have young and tender hearts. There are so many things we don't understand and through this misunderstanding, we get hurt. From a busy parent to a thoughtless remark, in this hectic world, our injured feelings rarely get validated. There's just no time (or interest) for most people to care. If we do have parents and friends who listen, they can't be there 24/7 and so from time to time, everyone remembers feeling emotionally isolated and lonely.

We first feel loneliness as children. My generation were latch-key kids. We spent time in day-cares, with babysitters and on our own. Television, books and peers shaped our internal reality. Some latch-key kids loved all the unstructured time. They had opportunities to grow and explore their interests. For others, emotional loneliness became a way of life- after all, big boys and girls don't cry. We became little adults who knew how to cope because there just wasn't enough time or patience to soothe a bruised heart.   

Irregardless of the generation, children actually raise themselves.  They keep their own counsel, create their own rules, decide what they believe. No one else can ever be inside their head, living their interior reality. Every child determines their own inner life and so ultimately, parent themselves. Most caregivers agree, all they can do is create a safe space and impart some wisdom along the way. Teenagers. Need I say more?    

On the downside of this self-parenting, children feel strong emotions without the insights of experience and an adult brain. They feel loneliness, but lack the wiring or knowledge to turn it around and feel connected.  To feel truly connected, we have to see things from an emotional AND logical viewpoint. To live it. To walk in another's shoes. To think far beyond our own projected, and limited, needs and feelings. By the time children have a full, adult body, they've created a whole reality based on incompletely understood experiences. To cope with these buried misunderstandings, we've created a culture of shame and blame, divorces and positive thinking quotes, all trying to make sense of our disconnection. In actuality, we just weren't taught how to feel connected and in turn, loneliness became helplessness. 

So what causes us to feel lonely? Loneliness begins in the mind and occurs when we feel disconnected. We've focused inward, built protective walls and forgot to feel bigger than ourselves. Maybe a childhood memory or intuition tells us it's not safe, timely or appropriate to feel connected. 

Despite what we believe, connection doesn't require people, safety, a ceremony or a soul-mate. Connection happens when we see/feel ourselves in other people, our surroundings, in the universe. We recognize our similarities and think BEYOND ourselves to our universal community. That's how we feel connected. How many of us were lucky enough to learn THAT as children. Not many. Loneliness signals us to put down our guard and recognize our inter-connectedness with life. Our place in the whole.

As children, we all feel lonely and misunderstood at one time or another because our brains and body MUST be focused on our growth and survival. If we're lucky, we're taught to think and consider different points of view. Taught how to relax and let ourselves feel our place in the world, our role in the bigger picture. If we weren't so fortunate, we carry those childhood hurts, loneliness and disconnect into our adulthood- letting it shape our choices and perceptions. At least until life hurts so badly we're forced to re-examine and open our minds.

Only when we re-examine our past, in the light of maturity, can we put our experiences in their proper place. Our childhood hurts and disappointments diminish with our conscious choice to love and connect. They don't go away, and they shouldn't. Instead, we see them with a wider, more experienced focus.

In this perspective, no one can hurt you.  You choose whether to feel lonely or connected. If you still feel hurt and loneliness, and who doesn't, it's part of the process of growing up. Nothing to be too concerned about. Look for the truth behind the emotion, the humanity behind the experience and choose to feel connected wherever you go- except when you'd rather not :)

Remembering How To Succeed

Do you ever have those moments when you're sure you're going to fail? It's not worth it. Why bother. People have been doing whatever it is you're WANTING to do since they were kids. They had a head start and you'll never catch up. "Well, what about Grandma Moses?" people say. "The painter that started in her 80's?" She's an anomaly, you tell yourself. Meant to be. The rest of us, we're just bozos on a bus.

Lately, I've increased my writing and been researching a wider audience for my work. Like authors, there are plenty of "publish your own novel" sites, or "pay $200 to be an Expert". Those just seem so... crass. I mean, when people are good at something- everyone knows it and they don't have to self-promote themselves. Right?

Maybe you don't have a college degree in the subject, or a Masters or a Doctorate, or a degree at all. Maybe you didn't finish high school. Maybe you weren't a child prodigy- who knew all along who they wanted to be and what they wanted to do with their life. So you settled with what would make a living, dreaming of the day the world would discover your awesomeness. Maybe you still dream of being a star or, loudly ridicule that "you wouldn't know what to do with all that fame and fortune anyways".

During my childhood, Princess Diana entered the world stage. Women and girls everywhere (and quite a few boys) pored over Diana's wedding and dreamed of being a princess. Like Snow White and Cinderella- SUCCESS looked like romance, beautiful clothes and unlimited funds. Every so often, do you compare your life to those fantasies and fall very short of the mark? Like me, do you mentally throw up your hands, turn your back and dive into a good book or chocolate until you once again forget your life looks nothing like your dreams? Or does it?

Within the last few months, I wrote and recorded a series of tools on "Success". The first one, lecture style, reframed the idea of success as the life I've already created for myself- trusting that I already follow my own instincts and wisdom; creating a reality I'm comfortable with. The next was a visualization, exploring personal symbols of success and deciding whether they're still relevant. The last, a meditation of forgiveness, to help process beliefs that hold us back from following our goals.

In the process of writing these, I listened to them, used them and absorbed their message. If you're thinking they sound like, "you're getting very sleepy. you are successful. you are a winner", you might want to change your expectations. They took me through my own journey of reframing success and looking at it with adult eyes, so both my conscious and subconscious minds could work in harmony. After all, I had a lot of fairy princesses and pots of gold to sort through and only repeating the phrase, "I'm a winner" wasn't going to cut it.

I listened to these recordings about 2-3 times a day for a week. Not only analyzing, but testing. "Are these working?" I could feel them working. Beliefs and memories that blocked me now seemed small, limiting, and I could feel old tension drop away while blood started to flow freely in the parts that held those beliefs. Cool!!

Time passed and here we sit today, researching audiences for my writing and feeling like if I've got a magic keyboard, nothing needs to be said. Why promote myself? Why bother? Then again, why bother writing anything at all- no one's found me yet so I guess they won't. Is there any chocolate in the house?

Then out of the blue, I remember. "Oh yeah. I'm already successful. I'm living a pretty cool life. And parts I don't like, have a very good purpose for being. There's nothing to do except enjoy the ride". I guess the "Success" recordings worked after all.

Overcome Shame With Compassion

Why can we get so hurt and mad when someone "pokes fun at us"? Sometimes it's no big deal and we fire back. Other times they hit a sensitive spot and we rewind into our past, some time or event when we felt ashamed.

Shame is personal. It implies more than just unpopular behavior, it implies we're broken and possibly un-fixable. With that doomsday cloud hanging over our heads, it's a wonder we get through our days at all.

Shame comes in many forms- a look, a voice, a phrase, body language. We use it quite effectively to keep our children out of the street (Get over here!) and influence our partners, (You're not going to wear THAT are you?). It's also used to keep someone silent (Just shut up!) and maintain the status quo (What, are you stupid?). When we start looking for shame, it's everywhere. It's not always obvious- sometimes we imply shame by being TOO helpful when we're clearly unhappy, (No, it's fine, really) or by setting someone up to fail (I KNEW he'd forget to take out the garbage!). As a world we've shamed and been shamed.

With a voice or body language or a phrase, we try to influence someone to feel bad enough to stop doing whatever they're doing- covertly calling them thoughtless, insensitive and stupid... It's hard not to take shame personally because it passes judgment on our person-hood. However, as effective as it is short-term, (and really, is it?) shame sparks a whole host of seemingly unrelated, long-term, destructive behaviors.

When someone feels shamed, they may get mad, unreasonable, defiant. Sometimes they shut down and refuse to communicate. Other times they hide their creativity and intelligence, looking the part but seething, hurting and planning their battles. Shame holds us back in sports, business, relationships, life. How many of us see our goals and give up before we reach them? Sure that we can't do it. We justify ending relationships, jobs, or justify keeping relationships and jobs because underneath we believe we deserve unhappiness. We use eating, shopping, drugs, competition...whatever we can find to make us feel like better people and distract ourselves from those feelings of "not good enough".

This isn't pop psychology where I now give you, "the answer" or validate that you're a "good guy" not one of those horrible "other people". The people doing the shaming, is us. And don't kid yourself, we all use it because it presses buttons. We feel it's expedient and necessary to get what we want and do so, shamelessly, because we can't directly feel our targets' complicated and emotional inner experience. "It's just a tool", we think, "so what's the harm?". The shamer is much more objective and detached than the one being shamed so it's easy to use. It's clean, it's effective and if they've got a problem with it, that's their fault- they should have known better. Like bombs and grenades and war tactics for the emotions.

So what's next? Shame is everywhere and while it holds us back as people and cultures, we're not going to eradicate it in ourselves or others. Acceptance, as they say, is the first step. We're not going to get rid of it, so instead be mindful of when we feel like using it. But how do we get around the well planted seeds in our psyche, as shamer and shamed? One way, is with compassion.

Compassion is bigger than feeling sorry. Compassion comes with emotion, acceptance and connection. We feel someone's difficulty (because we've felt similarly), understand where it comes from (because we know ourselves well), see where it's going (action = consequence) and mindfully choose our response (I'm not doing THAT again). Compassion gives us clearer vision in our relationships. Taking the time to respond with compassion rather than react unreasonably changes the shame choreography and rewrites our scripted past.

Compassion in the face of shame may look like this. Boss: "If you're 5 minutes late, don't bother to come at all!". Employee Thought 1: "What an inflexible jerk! I really need this job!" (this might take a day or 2 or a week or a year). Employee Thought 2: "Wait, sometimes I'm inflexible and unreasonable. And, if worst came to worse, it might be hard to be unemployed but I've done it before." Employee Thought 3: "When someone acts unreasonably, usually there's something else going on. Is it humane to pass judgement on them without all the facts? Is it humane to feel terrorized, essentially turning them into a monster?" Magic happens when we choose compassion and resist shame's influence.

Compassion gives us options: take their comment into consideration without taking it personally, look for a new situation, temporarily write off their temper as stress, show up 5 minutes early or develop rapport with them, waiting patiently for an opportunity, then compassionately pointing out the similarities between being 5 minutes late and their less than perfect behavior. Because there will come a time when they are less than perfect- such as when they lost their cool and yelled at you.

In these situations, one of my favorite funny lines is, "Oh, so it's okay for you to make a mistake but it's not okay for me. I get it. Good to know." Whereas my good friend addresses it directly with, "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that. Next time please speak to me differently." He then convincingly adds, "or I'll have to go the Union Steward." (or whomever fits the situation). I'm not comfortable speaking so directly so when necessary, I rehearse it until I am. The feminine generally responds to humor while the masculine responds to clear boundaries.

It's important to match the method with the situation. By compassionately pointing out our collective humanity, people heal their own shameful past. Usually becoming nicer, more flexible people.

Breathe Peace

Photo Courtesy of Van Archiquette

Do you wish you had more peace? Do you feel you need rules and tools and divine intervention to find it? Most of us live a normal, nutsy life and look for peace in parks, moments, people and experiences. Some of us use tools like meditation, music or massage to transport us to tranquility. As a culture, we search for peace and forget, or never knew, peace in the middle of everyday chaos.

The esoteric answer "peace comes from within", frustratingly, doesn't come with an instruction manual. Does your curious mind ask, "Yes, but... how and where do I find peace inside me?" only to hear "You think too much." Although true, peace does come from within, simple answers like these leave us feeling stupid and stressed instead of peaceful. We suffer the "If I would only..." syndrome. Instead of searching for the nearest Valium, lets sit with the frustration just a little longer while we look closer at the "how" and "how to" of peace.

"Breathe Peace" was coined by my friend as a young man. To me, breathe peace means that with our breath, we breathe in peace and send it back out into the world. It's a lovely way of seeing peace as both action and experience. It gives us something constructive to do instead of running after the promise of peace.

But wait, is that allowed? Didn't the media, marketing and religion teach us that peace must be earned or mystically bestowed? Peace is something that happens to us, leaving us longing and unworthy when it's gone? What if peace wasn't only a noun or adjective, but a vibrant, living verb? Full of color and movement and life. The idea of "breathing peace" brings the action into focus as well as the experience.

This "Breathing Peace" versus "Looking For Peace" came in sharp review today as I compared two recent summer weddings. The first one, I wasn't invited to and didn't really mind. I knew this person wasn't slighting me and was glad they were wise with their money. I moved past any "poor me" in moments. The second, I WAS invited to and felt disturbed for weeks. Wondering at deeper, darker intentions and picking the invitation apart, eventually deciding to stay home. It's curious how different interpretations of similar events trigger opposite feelings. Weird.

Our every day is made of unique interpretations of what we see, hear, feel, taste, smell, perceive... What, exactly, is real? To follow that thought, if most of what I see is my interpretation, I get to make everything flex to fit what I'd LIKE  to believe. The sun comes up because the universe is shining on me. She took my parking space because she's got so much on her mind she can't be nice. They invited me because although they don't always like me, sometimes they do. Keeping it just reasonable enough to fit our rational side and positive enough to let us move on to enjoying our life. Choosing peace. Breathing peace.

So, how do you find peace when you're decidedly disturbed? There's a million tools out there from mantra-ing the word "peace" to sitting by a tree to spending time with friends and family. What you're REALLY doing is telling yourself it's time to feel peaceful. You could skip the middleman and go directly to the verb- breathe peace. When you make a regular appointment with yourself to breathe peace, wherever you are, you will find it's as easy as imagining it.

Medicine Bags and Memories

Iroquois White Pine of Peace

Have you ever had a day, where you just felt sad? Or lonely? Or out of sorts? We all have those days and our minds then look for something to distract us or blame for our unsettled, unhappy feelings. We read books, watch shows, listen to music or a friend and think, "if I just had that", or "it may be true for someone else but not me..." How does anyone really feel connected and happy? Is it money, lovers, friends, fame?

This morning, I've been feeling lonely. Being me, the first thing I recognize is that I haven't eaten breakfast. Low blood sugar makes people, particularly me, feel out of sorts. After a few hard-boiled eggs, I stop for a few moments, going out to the garden and sitting on the ground in the sun. Feeling lonely is our bodies way of telling us we aren't letting ourselves feel connected. Maybe we've been stressed. Or don't feel it's the time. Believe we don't deserve to feel love or don't know how to feel it- instead waiting for something or someone to make us, give us permission to feel good.

When all is said and done, we get to choose when, how and why we feel love. The benefits are many. Feeling love gives us a silver tongue, a trustworthy energy, a warmth that sparks, a health that radiates, cooperation, generosity, security. When you're ready to feel good, feel love, here's what you do. Stop. Sit. Pay attention. Consciously choose to look for love. Consciously choose to find love. Let yourself love anything and anyone then slow down for a moment and feel it.

We all get busy and forget our desparate body and soul need to feel love. Not to receive it, although that's nice, rather, to spark it within ourselves. Because that's really what love is... an emotion, a chemical our brains or body say it's time to release. That idea seems to take the romance and the mystery out of love, and at first, it feels that way. But really, the magic and the miracle is that we have the capacity to feel in the first place. Happy, sad, frustrated, irritated... How amazing that we can get up in the morning, brush our teeth and live. The complexity is mind-boggling.

It's easy to get run down. It's easy to forget. Loneliness and sadness are our cues that it's time to do something- whether it be eat, move or feel love. So, the question we all have is...how does one do that? The universe has given us the gift of imagery. Everything we see and think is represented as a symbol. Everything represents a symbol to us. We have symbols in common with the rest of humanity and symbols that are uniquely our own. When we're looking for love, the best way to find it is to shamelessly use our symbolism to spark a feeling of love.

Many cultures understood the healing properties of love. They knew that feeling love performed all sorts of physical and relationship miracles. Because of this, many cultures created medicine pouches, bags, tokens, symbols that would remind them of the best parts of themselves and who they wanted to be. They might put locks of hair from a loved one, herbs to smell and remember, a talisman to help them feel safe, a pretty stone to keep them grounded... They would carry these symbols everywhere, to help them remember and feel love. 

So surround yourself with carefully chosen symbols to keep you feeling good. Wear a charm, make a medicine bag, paint your toenails, open a window. Choose to love anything, anyone, no matter how right or wrong. The love you feel will help you stay healthy and light up your darkness.

Healing Through Feeling

I'm going through peri-menopause. For those who aren't familiar, it's a time of hormonal shifts that start years BEFORE menopause. I'm once again using the skills I discovered when I started my own self-healing journey- otherwise I'd be picking fights or crying all day. Ugh.

Whether it's hormone shifts or normal stress, emotions (anger, frustration, pain, sorrow) can control us in seconds. One moment we're fine and the next we're doing everything in our power to keep from freaking out. This happens with natural male/female hormonal shifts, limiting beliefs, low blood sugar, physical imbalance, hidden memories- a wide variety of factors. Either way, emotions are rushing through us.

And that's exactly what's happening. Something told our brains to release chemicals, causing us to feel tense, nauseous, weepy...out of our minds. So, now what? Some people eat, smoke, drink, get into a bar fight, drive recklessly....These are all distractions that keep us from feeling our emotions. They don't make the emotion go away faster (lots of times they don't even feel good) and afterwards, we're so filled with shame that we may dive into depression or punish ourselves. Distractions keep telling the fear, shame, anxiety, fear, shame anxiety... to keep cycling. Like a bad dream, you just need to safely relax and wait. If you give up and eat a cookie, don't worry, it's all a learning experience. You'll be better prepared next time.

When emotions have taken control, it's not a crises, it's an opportunity to heal ourselves- emotionally and consequently, physically. So what are the steps to taking advantage of this dubious gift?

First of all, we have to let ourselves feel. Our bodies are, literally, flooded with chemicals and there's no going back. It's here and we have to deal with it. If you're alone, sit down, do nothing for awhile and wait it out. Drinking water helps, as it flushes your system. If you're with others, go to the washroom or a private place.

Once you're safe, you need to express. Shutting the emotion down can lead to serious health concerns like heart attack, fibromyalgia, numbness, migraines, digestive issues... You get to choose how to release this surging energy. If you're angry, do or imagine something physical (the body reacts similarly). My anger can be bigger than my physical strength so I visualize hitting home runs- the muscle tense, the swing, the connection. Some people write. Some people create. Some people cry. Some people call up their best friend. Either way, be smart about how you vent your emotion. Very soon, you'll be clearheaded again and don't want to regret your actions such as a broken door or relationship.

Pay attention to your thoughts. What are the words or images that keep coming into your head? They will tell you what is REALLY bothering you. Follow those words or images as far back as is reasonable. Where do they come from? Your body, your memory, your mind? Where did this feeling originate from? What does it remind you of? When else did you feel this way? Like a detective, gather information about this well-buried persona.

Once you know the origination of the emotion, it's time to act as impartial interrogator. Is what you saw really true? Why or why not? What else could it mean? Why did you decide it meant what it did? What can you do about it? Question, question, question. The words and images will spin around but hold them lightly in your head until you're calmer and clear-headed. You have most if not all the answers already. Using hard won life experiences, you can go back in time and find clarity, compassion and understanding. If not, you'll get a very clear direction about what to do next. Maybe you need more information. Maybe you need to complete a circle. Maybe you need to open a new door. Either way, you are healing an emotional wound or limiting belief that shapes your real and perceived world.

So next time an emotion comes over you, don't stuff it, don't just vent it, don't only turn it into a macrame planter...heal it. Your body is healthier and life goes much, much smoother for your efforts.

Healthy Relationships, Healthy Body

People come to me in stress, pain and illness. I help them feel and live better. It's a great career.

I have a phrase, "people are needy because they aren't getting what they need". When our body hurts and we're sick- we're needy. When we feel or behave irritably, arrogantly and unreasonably- we're needy. We need something and people call me to inspire it. What most people need, are healthy relationships.

In healthy relationships, we sincerely care for someone and they sincerely care for us. Beyond that, we trust one another and openly share our inner lives. We both take time to understand, pay attention and encourage. We both dig deep for patience, compassion and respect. We both show up to the relationship and take turns leading the way.

So, how do we find healthy relationships? Are they a pipe dream meant for other people? First off, an exercise. Ask yourself two questions and write down the words that come up.

What is romantic love?

What is love? 

Are the answers the same or different? Do you avoid "love" because it feels like "romantic love"? Hold back feeling love because you're waiting for or afraid of romantic love? Save your love for romantic partners or when it's "safe" like with children, the elderly or with someone also guarded in love? Hide your expressions of love because it looks like romantic love? Use love as a reward or deny it as a punishment? Believe love is impractical, unreasonable and limited? Save your love until circumstances or people inspire it?

To create a healthy and meaningful relationships, you must first let yourself love. Love anything or anyone at all- a tree, a rock, chocolate, a cigarette, whiskey, a Playboy Playmate, Brad Pitt... Do nothing but sit in your desk chair and let yourself love. If you need a trigger, recall a memory or a person that inspires love in you. If you can't recall pure love, then mantra "I love you" in your head. 

Here's what happens:

1. Your body releases chemicals that relieve pain and discomfort.

2. Your immune system perks up.

3. Your muscles relax.

4. Your circulation increases.

5. Others sense your love and respond favorably.

6. Verbal and non-verbal communication flows.

7. Others become helpful and flexible, respectful and compassionate.

8. You make healthier life choices: physically, mentally, emotionally.

9. You get the support you need to feel good, live well and help you up when you fall.

Don't take my word for it, experiment with it in the grocery store, post office, your job. Try it on your partners, your kids, your co-workers. At first, they may wonder what you're up to; love is disarming. It may take a little while but you get good at seeing the subtleties of healthy relationships.  Love is a state of mind that creates health and well-being- body, mind, spirit. We're not only meant for isolation, always alone in our journey. A healthy life needs security and freedom, connection and detachment and sincere love for all parts of ourselves and others.

Choose to be in love and feel healthier, heal yourself (and others) and watch the magic happen.

Putting Down Our Weapons In The Battle Of The Sexes

Do you remember, long ago, when our friends were both boys and girls? We liked someone because they were nice and romance consisted of shared secrets and playing with one another on the playground. Our differences made the friendships more interesting and fun. Were we taught or did we decide to objectify the opposite sex? Wouldn't you like to recapture those heady days of unconditional love? You can.

It sounds great, but how do we do that? For starters, we take back our right to befriend whomever we like. Maybe we don't want to hurt our romantic partner. Maybe we don't want others to assume we're fooling around or, afraid we might. Perhaps we believe men/women are too different to create a worthwhile relationship. Keeping an open mind and facing these fears courageously help us return to those rich relationships of our youth.

Once we start quietly and confidently taking a stand, with time, the people who love us adjust as well. When we remember to have compassion towards our own and others' fears and conflicts, the shift goes smoother. It's important to thoughtfully discern what, who, and how much we share with the people around us. Not everyone will get it and some never will- sure that men and women can never have platonic friendships especially amidst sexual tension. So be smart, be courageous, be confident. Men and women offer so much to one another, it's a shame to walk away from such a beautiful, meaning-filled life because we're scared.

Insights Into Healing Conflict

Have you ever let hurt, stress and resentment build up until it effects your relationships, health, income...? Did you look for ways to "toughen up", avoid or detach? Have you felt taken advantage of and promised next time you'll guilt-free say "NO"? What's the deal? Are we simply insecure? I don't believe so. Instead, I believe it sprouts from our need to protect ourselves and a misunderstanding of conflict's necessary role in peace and happiness.

In this writing, we'll re-frame conflict using our natural ability to observe and reflect. How does conflict really work? Try watching other people and placing yourself in their metaphorical shoes. Treat it as an experiment and when you don't understand something, try to keep an open mind and objectively ask someone similar to them. For example, "Why would someone yell when asked a simple question?" If you ask your best friend, they may say, "because they're a jerk", but if you ask someone similar to the aggressor, perhaps they'd say, "maybe they were tired and couldn't answer one more simple question." Someone once told me they yell because they get too tired to argue and know it makes the other person leave them alone until they feel better. Insensitive, yes, but it effectively gives them the space they need. So, here are a few things to consider while you watch and reflect on conflict. 

Few people like change and with every new idea, they behave defensively. Like seeds, new ideas don't grow roots and turn into a 100 foot sequoia overnight; people need time to adjust to a new reality. If you remain quiet, nothing ever changes and everyone loses. After planting the seed, if you don't give space to grow and gently water and fertilize depending on each plant's schedule, you'll eventually stunt or kill it's growth. If you think back, that's how we learn everything new.

Unspoken energy directs every situation: people subconsciously recognize our frustration, anger, judgementalism, obsession. When approached with a powerful energy, people feel justified defending themselves to avoid being steamrolled. When we approach with a neutral and friendly energy, human beings feel it and generally respond in kind- so perhaps it's more effective to wait until it happens again (and it will) and feel prepared with a compassionate and clear response. 

When someone doesn't take us seriously, we haven't tapped into their story. The more we understand their thoughts and feelings, the more effectively we grab their attention-politicians and marketers are pros using our fears and values, encouraging us to listen up and react. Watching, asking questions, listening and wrapping our minds around a different point of view gives us important information about effective communication. You may decide to back away slowly because right now they're incapable of a thoughtful and reasonable response.

We're all capable of bad behavior and each act out differently and for different reasons. Although you might not tailgate someone when you're late for work, you may bash someone to your friends over drinks or guilt your family when they don't help out. I'm not saying to "be better", rather, I'm saying we're all human beings doing the best we know how under unique circumstances.  The ability to understand someone's point of view develops rapport and trust. The ability to be open about and take responsibility for your own gets you what you want. We frustrate our neighbors as much as they frustrate us.

Emotions are very personal. We can project what WE would feel in certain situations however, everyone lives a different story. We easily under or over empathize with someone because we're distracted, justifying our behaviors or don't perceive the depth of their emotion. How many times have we hurt someone because we didn't understand them? How many times have we kept quiet because someone should KNOW what we want? I'm not saying we're bad to do that, we would burn ourselves out if we were that focused, rather, I'm shining a light to encourage thoughtful responses. With so many different stories running around, aren't you amazed human beings communicate at all?

Everyone benefits from happy, healthy relationships and most people fear them because they make us feel vulnerable. Sometimes you play the adult (even if it's not fair) to reap the benefits down the road. People naturally grow and change when they are supported and exposed to new ideas and experiences. With time, they usually become valuable neighbors, partners, jobs, friends that act as adults when WE need to grow up. With good role models, adolescents DO turn into responsible, caring adults- didn't you?

When I was in massage school, I endured some emotionally distressing bodywork from a fellow classmate. I politely ended it and later took counsel with a wiser friend than I. She told me that when we stay quiet about something that feels uncomfortable, we turn a potentially good human being into a bully. We hurt more than help. We all feel justifiably hurt, angry and act out when someone judges us without really knowing us. Human beings don't want to be misunderstood and deep down don't want someone to let us seriously hurt them.  If we think someone is just that insensitive, it's good to remember that, like us, they defend and deny their biggest fears too.

Focus on What You Want, Get What You Desire

Rewarded by a Great View

We work, pray, storyboard and just can’t grasp our dreams…the ideal job, spouse, children, life. What are your dreams? Do you push forward, at times feeling depressed and frustrated that you aren’t any closer to them…only to gracefully recognize you’re living your deeper fantasies of love, freedom, security, independence…?

What’s the old adage? When you stop looking, love appears? Not just in love, but in all sorts of things…Life seems to happen while we’re busy cutting the grass. The ubiquitous “They” rarely mention how to stop looking for what seems important- probably because “They” (read “We”) don’t know. Instead, “They/We” pontificate or jump to the law of attraction; if you obsess and have an “attitude of gratitude”, money falls from the sky. Joking…joking….   

At times, we all feel judgemental towards complaints, excuses, hippy-dippy fantasies or pride- we high-mindedly say the insensitive, thoughtless, selfish people think they’re entitled, are spoiled and should bare minimum, appreciate the largesse  (taxpayers, spouse, family) give them. Who doesn’t occasionally believe that about younger generations, other cultures, other sexes and whatever entitlement we ourselves don’t want/can’t have? And yet, isn’t that something we all do? Disregard, get distracted, rationalize…then feel guilty or misunderstood when it’s pointed out?

How many of us threatened or worse, lost something/one important through under-appreciation? Did we get busy? Feel justified? Forget? We’ve lost jobs, long-term relationships, time as well as the benefits of a paycheck, human connection, freedom. I believe the term is, “throw the baby out with the bathwater”; we’ve all lost dreams and opportunities. Haven’t we??

New age methods stress focusing on goals while older work ethics stress working for them. In the world we live…these simple panaceas forget an important element of success. Before age 6, we lock in our caretakers' values and expectations. Until mid-20’s, we interpret life through an immature mind. As we age, these patterns remain, carve deeper and if left unchecked, show up in our lives, our health, our children, our jobs, our relationships…We inherit more than DNA and furniture. How do you know what you deeply want and believe? Look at your life. Not only the symbols…the reality. If being financially rich depended on hard work and ingenuity, the women of Africa should be billionaires.

We chide people who desire something different in their life with the phrase “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” Gently shaking our heads as if to say, “we would never do that!” or frustrated with ourselves because we’ve lost something valuable “why can’t we just appreciate what we have?!” We get so focused on achieving goals, creating something amazing, we don’t pay attention to what we’re really creating, so focused on the symbols of success that we miss the reality of our success.

Here’s another point of view. In many circumstances, focusing on something else, is the perfect way to get what we want. When we also routinely remember to recognize and appreciate, the process work perfectly! The yearning, the striving the disappointment of NOT getting the SYMBOL of what we want, keeps us distracted and out of the way of manifesting what we REALLY want. How many people, after a long life, look back- realizing that they had a really good life, despite the so-called disappointments, failures and mistakes?

I keep emotionally complicated relationships and symbols in my life (job, friendships, the White Sox) as effective distractions- the striving for growth, the desire for closeness, the competitive spirit keeps me distracted enough to create a nice marriage. When we focus on something that doesn’t really matter, we usually manifest what matters most. Think long term, not necessarily in an hour. Consequently, our lives may look like disappointments, mistakes, failures…until we gracefully recognize the perfection. 

So, are you busy achieving, accomplishing, striving for the symbol of what you want; simultaneously creating the  freedom and connection you desire? Cool!

Finding Balance Through Acceptance

When a man is stimulated by his own thoughts, full of desire and dwelling on what is attractive, his craving increases even more. He is making the fetter even stronger. But he who takes pleasure in stilling his thoughts, practicing the contemplation of what is repulsive, and remaining recollected, now he will make an end of craving, he will snap the bonds of Mara. His aim is accomplished, he is without fear, rid of craving and without stain. He has removed the arrows of changing existence. This is his last body.  Buddha (563 - 483 BC)- Source: The Dhammapada Gautama Buddha / Translated by John Richards ,v.349, 350, 351 

Were you taught, like most everyone, that you must hold on to your emotions? As we joined spiritual  practices, maybe we were asked to get rid of fear and anger. Does it seem like the more we try to control what we feel- pulling it in or pushing it away, the more stressful our life gets and the less control we actually have?

Have you ever wondered what might happen if you sat quietly one day and let all of the conflicting emotions, beliefs and ideas express themselves in your head and heart- like a poorly written play or an unending monologue? Looked into your darkest corners and ugliest thoughts and found a way to express them? You may get nervous now, thinking of yourself or others who HAVE done that and it didn't fare well. Maybe you've forgotten when yourself or others found their genius instead.

Our ancestors know that unfelt and unexpressed emotions cause suffering. They also know that felt and expressed emotions guide (sometimes it takes a little while) towards wisdom and lasting happiness. The more we know ourselves, the more we know others, the more in control we naturally become. With experience after experience, we learn our preferred ways of feeling and expressing our emotions. Leading, to balance.

If you're scared, start small and treat it as an experiment. Try out different feelings and ways to express them: get into an argument, be kind, walk away, walk towards. Observe the short and long term results. It's fascinating to watch how every character, including ourselves, responds today and in the future depending on the mood, situation, phase of the moon or direction of the wind.

Healing Anger

Photo courtesy of Van Archiquette

What do we do when we get mad? What does it mean? Anger represents fertile ground for growth and change. We feel angry when we sense inner conflict; our perception contradicts our hopes or expectations. People get mad at us for the same reasons.

Anger represents looking our demons in the face; intensity implies powerful demons. When something or someone matters more than reason, we protect it with the strength of our wrath. The people who love us the most, feel the most hurt, and subsequently anger, when they fear losing that love. Temper also flares with perceived loss of  food, safety, love, self-esteem or self-awareness.  I'm not saying to put up with bad or abusive behavior- in ourselves or others. I am saying that our or others anger inspires insight.

Fury hounds us. It sits and waits in the back of our minds until we find peace within it. We may vent, however, after awhile life triggers our wrath again until we recognize our multi-faceted reality, realize emotions create life and allow love in- despite, and in many times because, of our humanity.

When you or someone you love gets angry, see it as it is- a journey towards grace that takes time to resolve. It signals inner conflict and strong emotion rather than indifference. For many of us, it means we care an awful lot or we would simply shrug and walk away.

Why do we behave so unkindly? Emotions narrow our vision and in anger, we have difficulty seeing past our mental desire to protect ourselves. Instead, we pass blame or try to change the situation through force. Discomfort opens a doorway into our core- our conflict between what we believe and what we want to believe. Our observer finds peace by viewing this discomfort with compassion and understanding.

In almost all cases, anger represents fear, anger stems from hurt and anger opens our subconscious to us. Maybe we're tired of only believing our fears and we're ready to also believe our dreams- irregardless of these transient, temporary emotions.

Lent- A Healthy Tradition For Everyone

With age and wisdom, we question childhood teachings and more mindfully choose what we believe.  After our first serious misfortune, we usually live more consciously.  For some people, this means changing religions, starting a new path or deepening their existing faith.

Many ancient religious practices, like Catholicism, encourage holistic wellness as part of their traditions. Lent, like many other ancient cleansing rituals, has perfect timing and plays an important role in modern well-being.

As a young Catholic, you usually learn the mechanics of Lent without understanding it's healthfulness. Not only physical health, but emotional, spiritual, community, energetic.... Unfortunately, when we move away from a religions politics, we also move away from well-planned  traditions, like Lent. Our emotional associations override objectivity towards these ancient traditions- we may throw the baby out with the bathwater.

If you're unfamiliar with this Catholic ritual, Lent symbolically re-creates the imprisonment/death/resurrection story which underlies Christianity. Catholics re-live their beliefs, in part, by sacrificing food, including red meat, an ingrained habit, their time and/or a few other life patterns. The spirit of Lent is change, renewal and self-reflection. It's well timed in spring; a season filled with energy, distraction and powerful reminders of rebirth.

For everyday Catholics, you fast (cleanses the body and inspires creative thought), give up red meat (a good idea), eat fish (another good idea), refrain from a bad habit for a few months (detoxifying and breaks the pattern), go to church more (supports reflection, meditation, change and community), see more purple (color therapy- encourages mindfulness)...and the list goes on.

Whatever your spiritual beliefs or non-beliefs, a renewal practice like Lent tunes up your body, mind, emotions, life, relationships, job...at a well suited time of year. It's framework encourages holistic health and happiness. How cool, we find tools for healthy, graceful living in all sorts of places.

Cleanse Like a Jedi Master

...with the MASTER CLEANSE. Ok. Maybe not like a Jedi Master, but I bet, like many spiritual practices, Yoda routinely cleansed his body to maintain his connection with the force. One of the oldies but goodies uses water, lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and salt. It's gentler on the system and customizable depending on your schedule.

Who? You can't escape it, even the Death Star gets polluted. Give your body a break and get a little tune-up. Check with your doctor, but this method comes from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... Seriously, this is a popular, natural and generally safe cleanse. Especially with a few modern adjustments.

What? The Lemon Juice Cleanse and/or the Master Cleanse. The easiest is a cup of water with the juice of 1-2 lemons (I warm it up and add honey) as part of your daily routine. The most complicated is a 10 day Master Cleanse which nutritionists don't recommend, (I supplement with veggie broth and healthy protein) as a meal replacement. Naturally, choose local and organic as much as is reasonable.

When? As part of your everyday morning routine (your body detoxes on it's own in the morning) or all day for 1-10 days. Keep a very light schedule when doing a 1-10 day cleanse. You may get tired, your body may ache, you may feel crabby (Woo-hoo! Let's cleanse!) Check out my earlier post, "Spring Cleaning Without The Flu-Like Symptoms" on ways to minimize the side effects.

Where?  Someplace comfortable, with a bathroom (visits increase), void of annoying Ewoks.

Why?  It's smart to push a reset button once in awhile and depending on your level of commitment, you may strengthen your immune system, increase your circulation, lower your pain, improve your digestion, have more energy, lose weight (although nutritionists debate whether or not you lose fat) and telepathically communicate with Luke Skywalker. Lemon for the detox, good water for the hydration, cayenne for the increased circulation, maple syrup for the calories and salt for the laxative. I prefer honey because of all the good stuff it has but avoid high fructose corn syrup, agave nectar, cane sugar or artificial sweeteners like the plague.

How? Make up a pitcher of the Master Cleanse in the morning. When you get hungry, have a glass. If you get really, really hungry, drink some organic almond or hemp milk- the fat triggers the satiated switch (or just use the force). If you're doing this for more than a few days, I highly suggest intermingling this with purified water, good quality veggie broth and a vegan source of protein or it becomes an unhealthy starvation diet. Don't forget your vitamins.

Opinions vary on duration. If you go more than a day or two, you want to mentally, physically and nutritionally prepare. For a week up to and a week afterwards take your vitamins and avoid hard to digest foods like fats, dairy, processed sugars, wheat and red meat. You can expect to feel a little lousy as your body/mind adjusts and the cells dump the equivalent of 1980's legwarmers into your bloodstream. I suggest working up to 10 days over time. This way, you educate yourself about how your body and family/friends react and can make smart choices regarding your health. This isn't the traditional Master Cleanse, however it's a nice blend which integrates current health and nutrition information.

The Jedi Cleanse Recipe (aka The Master Cleanse)

6 to 12 glasses a day of:

Juice of 1/2 a lemon (from real lemons)

2 tbsp maple syrup or honey

1/10 tsp cayenne pepper (or less, to the taste)

8 oz purified water

(Go organic when reasonable)

For an extra cleansing effect add:

1 teaspoon of unrefined non-iodized sea salt or epsom salt mixed with 25-35 ounces of water, 2x a day. Drinking this flushes your system and has a laxative effect, so stay near a bathroom.

Resources

http://mastercleansesecrets.com/step3.php

http://www.webmd.com/balance/natural-liver-detox-diets-liver-cleansing

 

Good Friends Are Hard To Find

Courtesy Van Archiquette

As a child, did you have a best friend? Some came ready made, such as close siblings or next door neighbors. All the books, movies, television programs showed happy children with best friends like Puppy and Kitty or Peas in a Pod. Life was okay with your partner in crime. You had time, inclination and setup for closeness.

As an adult, do you have one of those best friends? I mean, someone with whom you share ALL your secrets and talk to pretty often; maybe your spouse or childhood friend or family member. They've seen you at your worst and still generally like you. If you do or did, you're the minority and already feel secure because of those close friends. If you don't, here are the secrets best friends teach.

Meaningful relationships matter more than status, things, accomplishments, money...everything. If you have an intimate relationship, you will risk everything to keep it. Relationships are very, very hard and require opening to life in all it's shapes and colors. They require sacrifice, hurt, anger, irritation, love, loss and jealousy; and the relationship merits all those feelings and more. They push you to the edge and make you want to walk away, but you don't. Similar to parenting, except you're equal and it's easier to walk away.

Under it all and in return, you feel eternally connected and live courageously, usually succeeding because of the courage to fail. Like being in love, colors have depth, people have personality and humanity is frustratingly but delightfully human. You don't just think, you KNOW you will make it through living, dying and whatever comes next.

I didn't learn Intimate Relationship 101 as a child. Did you? We live disconnected and sheltered, touching deep emotions only in tragic circumstances.  We bump along, avoiding painful encounters and insulating ourselves in golden bubbles; looking for soul-mates that inevitably turns back into a frog. Does this feel familiar?

As a culture, it's time to start over and be in relationships that last lifetimes. But where do you find someone to take that intimacy journey with you? It's pretty simple, actually, and one of the hardest things to do.  

Pick someone. Pick someone and be their friend. Share your thoughts. Invite them over. Listen to their challenges. Remind them to listen to yours. Give them gifts. Work hard at understanding where they are coming from. Ask questions. Wait for years while they work through their fears about intimacy. Dare to think new thoughts. Wait for years while you work through your fears about intimacy. Get frustrated and sometimes let them know it, sometimes hide it. Choose love and sometimes let them know it and sometimes hide it. Call, text, email them or even better, go see them. Show up.

Intimacy sprouts all around you. Potential soul-mates sit in your coffee shop, live next door, work in the next cubicle or write the next email; they're waiting for someone to look through their behavior and into their humanity. How do I know all this? Someone, equally scared and lonely, picked me.

Where To Find Gratitude

Courtesy Van Archiquette

Mystics have told us, especially within the last ten years, that an "attitude of gratitude" attracts physical and spiritual treasures beyond measure. I'm sure you've seen it yourself, gratitude towards something or someone inspires more of what we're appreciating. Some days though, the gratitude fairy leaves a dirty sock instead of a shiny quarter. Now what?

Raise your hand if you've pretended gratitude and it's backfired on you and when everyone left, irritation and depression set in again. Or our gratitude produced mistrust, accusations of sucking up and fake appreciation in return. So, how DO we find genuine gratitude when we're feeling ungracious and alone?

Gratitude comes from re-living hard experiences. When we bury our pain, exploit it for personal gain or focus only on the silver lining, we miss gratitude and all the gifts that come with it. Only by comparing our past and present, do most of us find perspective and graciousness.  Think about where you came from, what you know, where your family came from. Reflect on your heartbreaks, your suffering, your ignorance. I keep mementos around, reminding me of the struggles I've overcome and compare it to the life I have now. We have all won the lottery, simply surviving this long. If you'd like to feel gratitude, purposefully remember when you've felt your worst.

When we aren't feeling gracious, it's also no big deal. Ingratitude, frustration, depression make up the process of gratitude. We probably have a good, and mysterious, reason for feeling lousy. When we get tired of it, we'll feel gratitude again. Every time we let ourselves cycle around, we learn a little bit more about the process and know how to sincerely create gratitude.

So take a chance, let yourself feel life- the good and the hard. After all, you can never completely repeat your mistakes, you know more than you did the last time around.

Easing The Price of Emotions

Emotions overtake, drive, heal and destroy us. At times, they speak so loudly they consume us. When we've experienced loss, nothing pretties it up. We hurt for a good reason buried under layers of sleeplessness, poor nutrition, illness, physical pain and boredom. When we address these symptoms of emotional pain, we start to heal.

Sleeplessness- Anxiety and depression keeps our mind racing throughout the night. -Keep a worry bowl or box next to your bed. When you're ready to sleep, metaphorically put your thoughts inside for tomorrow, when you are better prepared to think about them.

-Eat a high protein breakfast and a complex carb at bedtime; in a pinch, cookies and milk.. It not only gives symbolic comfort, protein helps with melatonin production and the dairy and carbs calm your mind. If you wake at 2am, keep multi-grain crackers handy to help you fall back asleep.
-Put a token under your pillow to touch and hold, reminding you of good things in your life.
- Sleep somewhere else. Changing your environment distracts and quiets the mind.
- Avoid alcohol before bedtime. The sugar crash will wake you up in the middle of the night. 

Pain and Illness- When depressed, our bodies suppress our natural pain killers- beta-endorphins.

-Watch funny movies and walk 15 min. or more. Laughter and/or exercise release beta-endorphins.

-Move like 'Pretty Woman'. The looser you move, the better your circulation with less pain.

-Eat spinach and take epsom salt baths. Magnesium relieves pain as well as boosts your mood.

Low Energy and Boredom- Over and under sleeping, depression and pain contribute to low energy.

- Set goals for yourself for the next few months. It's easy to feel worthless and lost when you're suffering. Making a thoughtful list and timeline helps motivate you to live.

- Spend time with people you like. Research shows happiness comes from spending time with sincerely happy people. You find a space to express your emotions and guidance from people who understand navigating pain.

-Eat a high protein breakfast, take your vitamins and cut back on simple carbs like pasta, bread and alcohol. Adding more whole grains, flax seed, chia seed and raw nuts also help maintain your energy.

- Surround yourself with anchors of life, love and hope. Music, photos and essential oils remind you of happier times and help you shift your energy.

- Let yourself grieve. You ease pain and depression by expressing it- art, music, writing, dance,emails, dialogue, running, boxing... anything creative that helps you connect and find yourself again. Ignore perfection.