Good Friends Are Hard To Find

Courtesy Van Archiquette

As a child, did you have a best friend? Some came ready made, such as close siblings or next door neighbors. All the books, movies, television programs showed happy children with best friends like Puppy and Kitty or Peas in a Pod. Life was okay with your partner in crime. You had time, inclination and setup for closeness.

As an adult, do you have one of those best friends? I mean, someone with whom you share ALL your secrets and talk to pretty often; maybe your spouse or childhood friend or family member. They've seen you at your worst and still generally like you. If you do or did, you're the minority and already feel secure because of those close friends. If you don't, here are the secrets best friends teach.

Meaningful relationships matter more than status, things, accomplishments, money...everything. If you have an intimate relationship, you will risk everything to keep it. Relationships are very, very hard and require opening to life in all it's shapes and colors. They require sacrifice, hurt, anger, irritation, love, loss and jealousy; and the relationship merits all those feelings and more. They push you to the edge and make you want to walk away, but you don't. Similar to parenting, except you're equal and it's easier to walk away.

Under it all and in return, you feel eternally connected and live courageously, usually succeeding because of the courage to fail. Like being in love, colors have depth, people have personality and humanity is frustratingly but delightfully human. You don't just think, you KNOW you will make it through living, dying and whatever comes next.

I didn't learn Intimate Relationship 101 as a child. Did you? We live disconnected and sheltered, touching deep emotions only in tragic circumstances.  We bump along, avoiding painful encounters and insulating ourselves in golden bubbles; looking for soul-mates that inevitably turns back into a frog. Does this feel familiar?

As a culture, it's time to start over and be in relationships that last lifetimes. But where do you find someone to take that intimacy journey with you? It's pretty simple, actually, and one of the hardest things to do.  

Pick someone. Pick someone and be their friend. Share your thoughts. Invite them over. Listen to their challenges. Remind them to listen to yours. Give them gifts. Work hard at understanding where they are coming from. Ask questions. Wait for years while they work through their fears about intimacy. Dare to think new thoughts. Wait for years while you work through your fears about intimacy. Get frustrated and sometimes let them know it, sometimes hide it. Choose love and sometimes let them know it and sometimes hide it. Call, text, email them or even better, go see them. Show up.

Intimacy sprouts all around you. Potential soul-mates sit in your coffee shop, live next door, work in the next cubicle or write the next email; they're waiting for someone to look through their behavior and into their humanity. How do I know all this? Someone, equally scared and lonely, picked me.