Have you ever let hurt, stress and resentment build up until it effects your relationships, health, income...? Did you look for ways to "toughen up", avoid or detach? Have you felt taken advantage of and promised next time you'll guilt-free say "NO"? What's the deal? Are we simply insecure? I don't believe so. Instead, I believe it sprouts from our need to protect ourselves and a misunderstanding of conflict's necessary role in peace and happiness.
In this writing, we'll re-frame conflict using our natural ability to observe and reflect. How does conflict really work? Try watching other people and placing yourself in their metaphorical shoes. Treat it as an experiment and when you don't understand something, try to keep an open mind and objectively ask someone similar to them. For example, "Why would someone yell when asked a simple question?" If you ask your best friend, they may say, "because they're a jerk", but if you ask someone similar to the aggressor, perhaps they'd say, "maybe they were tired and couldn't answer one more simple question." Someone once told me they yell because they get too tired to argue and know it makes the other person leave them alone until they feel better. Insensitive, yes, but it effectively gives them the space they need. So, here are a few things to consider while you watch and reflect on conflict.
Few people like change and with every new idea, they behave defensively. Like seeds, new ideas don't grow roots and turn into a 100 foot sequoia overnight; people need time to adjust to a new reality. If you remain quiet, nothing ever changes and everyone loses. After planting the seed, if you don't give space to grow and gently water and fertilize depending on each plant's schedule, you'll eventually stunt or kill it's growth. If you think back, that's how we learn everything new.
Unspoken energy directs every situation: people subconsciously recognize our frustration, anger, judgementalism, obsession. When approached with a powerful energy, people feel justified defending themselves to avoid being steamrolled. When we approach with a neutral and friendly energy, human beings feel it and generally respond in kind- so perhaps it's more effective to wait until it happens again (and it will) and feel prepared with a compassionate and clear response.
When someone doesn't take us seriously, we haven't tapped into their story. The more we understand their thoughts and feelings, the more effectively we grab their attention-politicians and marketers are pros using our fears and values, encouraging us to listen up and react. Watching, asking questions, listening and wrapping our minds around a different point of view gives us important information about effective communication. You may decide to back away slowly because right now they're incapable of a thoughtful and reasonable response.
We're all capable of bad behavior and each act out differently and for different reasons. Although you might not tailgate someone when you're late for work, you may bash someone to your friends over drinks or guilt your family when they don't help out. I'm not saying to "be better", rather, I'm saying we're all human beings doing the best we know how under unique circumstances. The ability to understand someone's point of view develops rapport and trust. The ability to be open about and take responsibility for your own gets you what you want. We frustrate our neighbors as much as they frustrate us.
Emotions are very personal. We can project what WE would feel in certain situations however, everyone lives a different story. We easily under or over empathize with someone because we're distracted, justifying our behaviors or don't perceive the depth of their emotion. How many times have we hurt someone because we didn't understand them? How many times have we kept quiet because someone should KNOW what we want? I'm not saying we're bad to do that, we would burn ourselves out if we were that focused, rather, I'm shining a light to encourage thoughtful responses. With so many different stories running around, aren't you amazed human beings communicate at all?
Everyone benefits from happy, healthy relationships and most people fear them because they make us feel vulnerable. Sometimes you play the adult (even if it's not fair) to reap the benefits down the road. People naturally grow and change when they are supported and exposed to new ideas and experiences. With time, they usually become valuable neighbors, partners, jobs, friends that act as adults when WE need to grow up. With good role models, adolescents DO turn into responsible, caring adults- didn't you?
When I was in massage school, I endured some emotionally distressing bodywork from a fellow classmate. I politely ended it and later took counsel with a wiser friend than I. She told me that when we stay quiet about something that feels uncomfortable, we turn a potentially good human being into a bully. We hurt more than help. We all feel justifiably hurt, angry and act out when someone judges us without really knowing us. Human beings don't want to be misunderstood and deep down don't want someone to let us seriously hurt them. If we think someone is just that insensitive, it's good to remember that, like us, they defend and deny their biggest fears too.
Labels: acceptance, anger, balance, emotions, healing, hurt, inspire massage, living naturally, Personal growth, relationship, rita hickman, self-awareness, van archiquette
