Overcome Shame With Compassion

Why can we get so hurt and mad when someone "pokes fun at us"? Sometimes it's no big deal and we fire back. Other times they hit a sensitive spot and we rewind into our past, some time or event when we felt ashamed.

Shame is personal. It implies more than just unpopular behavior, it implies we're broken and possibly un-fixable. With that doomsday cloud hanging over our heads, it's a wonder we get through our days at all.

Shame comes in many forms- a look, a voice, a phrase, body language. We use it quite effectively to keep our children out of the street (Get over here!) and influence our partners, (You're not going to wear THAT are you?). It's also used to keep someone silent (Just shut up!) and maintain the status quo (What, are you stupid?). When we start looking for shame, it's everywhere. It's not always obvious- sometimes we imply shame by being TOO helpful when we're clearly unhappy, (No, it's fine, really) or by setting someone up to fail (I KNEW he'd forget to take out the garbage!). As a world we've shamed and been shamed.

With a voice or body language or a phrase, we try to influence someone to feel bad enough to stop doing whatever they're doing- covertly calling them thoughtless, insensitive and stupid... It's hard not to take shame personally because it passes judgment on our person-hood. However, as effective as it is short-term, (and really, is it?) shame sparks a whole host of seemingly unrelated, long-term, destructive behaviors.

When someone feels shamed, they may get mad, unreasonable, defiant. Sometimes they shut down and refuse to communicate. Other times they hide their creativity and intelligence, looking the part but seething, hurting and planning their battles. Shame holds us back in sports, business, relationships, life. How many of us see our goals and give up before we reach them? Sure that we can't do it. We justify ending relationships, jobs, or justify keeping relationships and jobs because underneath we believe we deserve unhappiness. We use eating, shopping, drugs, competition...whatever we can find to make us feel like better people and distract ourselves from those feelings of "not good enough".

This isn't pop psychology where I now give you, "the answer" or validate that you're a "good guy" not one of those horrible "other people". The people doing the shaming, is us. And don't kid yourself, we all use it because it presses buttons. We feel it's expedient and necessary to get what we want and do so, shamelessly, because we can't directly feel our targets' complicated and emotional inner experience. "It's just a tool", we think, "so what's the harm?". The shamer is much more objective and detached than the one being shamed so it's easy to use. It's clean, it's effective and if they've got a problem with it, that's their fault- they should have known better. Like bombs and grenades and war tactics for the emotions.

So what's next? Shame is everywhere and while it holds us back as people and cultures, we're not going to eradicate it in ourselves or others. Acceptance, as they say, is the first step. We're not going to get rid of it, so instead be mindful of when we feel like using it. But how do we get around the well planted seeds in our psyche, as shamer and shamed? One way, is with compassion.

Compassion is bigger than feeling sorry. Compassion comes with emotion, acceptance and connection. We feel someone's difficulty (because we've felt similarly), understand where it comes from (because we know ourselves well), see where it's going (action = consequence) and mindfully choose our response (I'm not doing THAT again). Compassion gives us clearer vision in our relationships. Taking the time to respond with compassion rather than react unreasonably changes the shame choreography and rewrites our scripted past.

Compassion in the face of shame may look like this. Boss: "If you're 5 minutes late, don't bother to come at all!". Employee Thought 1: "What an inflexible jerk! I really need this job!" (this might take a day or 2 or a week or a year). Employee Thought 2: "Wait, sometimes I'm inflexible and unreasonable. And, if worst came to worse, it might be hard to be unemployed but I've done it before." Employee Thought 3: "When someone acts unreasonably, usually there's something else going on. Is it humane to pass judgement on them without all the facts? Is it humane to feel terrorized, essentially turning them into a monster?" Magic happens when we choose compassion and resist shame's influence.

Compassion gives us options: take their comment into consideration without taking it personally, look for a new situation, temporarily write off their temper as stress, show up 5 minutes early or develop rapport with them, waiting patiently for an opportunity, then compassionately pointing out the similarities between being 5 minutes late and their less than perfect behavior. Because there will come a time when they are less than perfect- such as when they lost their cool and yelled at you.

In these situations, one of my favorite funny lines is, "Oh, so it's okay for you to make a mistake but it's not okay for me. I get it. Good to know." Whereas my good friend addresses it directly with, "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that. Next time please speak to me differently." He then convincingly adds, "or I'll have to go the Union Steward." (or whomever fits the situation). I'm not comfortable speaking so directly so when necessary, I rehearse it until I am. The feminine generally responds to humor while the masculine responds to clear boundaries.

It's important to match the method with the situation. By compassionately pointing out our collective humanity, people heal their own shameful past. Usually becoming nicer, more flexible people.

Breathe Peace

Photo Courtesy of Van Archiquette

Do you wish you had more peace? Do you feel you need rules and tools and divine intervention to find it? Most of us live a normal, nutsy life and look for peace in parks, moments, people and experiences. Some of us use tools like meditation, music or massage to transport us to tranquility. As a culture, we search for peace and forget, or never knew, peace in the middle of everyday chaos.

The esoteric answer "peace comes from within", frustratingly, doesn't come with an instruction manual. Does your curious mind ask, "Yes, but... how and where do I find peace inside me?" only to hear "You think too much." Although true, peace does come from within, simple answers like these leave us feeling stupid and stressed instead of peaceful. We suffer the "If I would only..." syndrome. Instead of searching for the nearest Valium, lets sit with the frustration just a little longer while we look closer at the "how" and "how to" of peace.

"Breathe Peace" was coined by my friend as a young man. To me, breathe peace means that with our breath, we breathe in peace and send it back out into the world. It's a lovely way of seeing peace as both action and experience. It gives us something constructive to do instead of running after the promise of peace.

But wait, is that allowed? Didn't the media, marketing and religion teach us that peace must be earned or mystically bestowed? Peace is something that happens to us, leaving us longing and unworthy when it's gone? What if peace wasn't only a noun or adjective, but a vibrant, living verb? Full of color and movement and life. The idea of "breathing peace" brings the action into focus as well as the experience.

This "Breathing Peace" versus "Looking For Peace" came in sharp review today as I compared two recent summer weddings. The first one, I wasn't invited to and didn't really mind. I knew this person wasn't slighting me and was glad they were wise with their money. I moved past any "poor me" in moments. The second, I WAS invited to and felt disturbed for weeks. Wondering at deeper, darker intentions and picking the invitation apart, eventually deciding to stay home. It's curious how different interpretations of similar events trigger opposite feelings. Weird.

Our every day is made of unique interpretations of what we see, hear, feel, taste, smell, perceive... What, exactly, is real? To follow that thought, if most of what I see is my interpretation, I get to make everything flex to fit what I'd LIKE  to believe. The sun comes up because the universe is shining on me. She took my parking space because she's got so much on her mind she can't be nice. They invited me because although they don't always like me, sometimes they do. Keeping it just reasonable enough to fit our rational side and positive enough to let us move on to enjoying our life. Choosing peace. Breathing peace.

So, how do you find peace when you're decidedly disturbed? There's a million tools out there from mantra-ing the word "peace" to sitting by a tree to spending time with friends and family. What you're REALLY doing is telling yourself it's time to feel peaceful. You could skip the middleman and go directly to the verb- breathe peace. When you make a regular appointment with yourself to breathe peace, wherever you are, you will find it's as easy as imagining it.

Medicine Bags and Memories

Iroquois White Pine of Peace

Have you ever had a day, where you just felt sad? Or lonely? Or out of sorts? We all have those days and our minds then look for something to distract us or blame for our unsettled, unhappy feelings. We read books, watch shows, listen to music or a friend and think, "if I just had that", or "it may be true for someone else but not me..." How does anyone really feel connected and happy? Is it money, lovers, friends, fame?

This morning, I've been feeling lonely. Being me, the first thing I recognize is that I haven't eaten breakfast. Low blood sugar makes people, particularly me, feel out of sorts. After a few hard-boiled eggs, I stop for a few moments, going out to the garden and sitting on the ground in the sun. Feeling lonely is our bodies way of telling us we aren't letting ourselves feel connected. Maybe we've been stressed. Or don't feel it's the time. Believe we don't deserve to feel love or don't know how to feel it- instead waiting for something or someone to make us, give us permission to feel good.

When all is said and done, we get to choose when, how and why we feel love. The benefits are many. Feeling love gives us a silver tongue, a trustworthy energy, a warmth that sparks, a health that radiates, cooperation, generosity, security. When you're ready to feel good, feel love, here's what you do. Stop. Sit. Pay attention. Consciously choose to look for love. Consciously choose to find love. Let yourself love anything and anyone then slow down for a moment and feel it.

We all get busy and forget our desparate body and soul need to feel love. Not to receive it, although that's nice, rather, to spark it within ourselves. Because that's really what love is... an emotion, a chemical our brains or body say it's time to release. That idea seems to take the romance and the mystery out of love, and at first, it feels that way. But really, the magic and the miracle is that we have the capacity to feel in the first place. Happy, sad, frustrated, irritated... How amazing that we can get up in the morning, brush our teeth and live. The complexity is mind-boggling.

It's easy to get run down. It's easy to forget. Loneliness and sadness are our cues that it's time to do something- whether it be eat, move or feel love. So, the question we all have is...how does one do that? The universe has given us the gift of imagery. Everything we see and think is represented as a symbol. Everything represents a symbol to us. We have symbols in common with the rest of humanity and symbols that are uniquely our own. When we're looking for love, the best way to find it is to shamelessly use our symbolism to spark a feeling of love.

Many cultures understood the healing properties of love. They knew that feeling love performed all sorts of physical and relationship miracles. Because of this, many cultures created medicine pouches, bags, tokens, symbols that would remind them of the best parts of themselves and who they wanted to be. They might put locks of hair from a loved one, herbs to smell and remember, a talisman to help them feel safe, a pretty stone to keep them grounded... They would carry these symbols everywhere, to help them remember and feel love. 

So surround yourself with carefully chosen symbols to keep you feeling good. Wear a charm, make a medicine bag, paint your toenails, open a window. Choose to love anything, anyone, no matter how right or wrong. The love you feel will help you stay healthy and light up your darkness.

Healing Through Feeling

I'm going through peri-menopause. For those who aren't familiar, it's a time of hormonal shifts that start years BEFORE menopause. I'm once again using the skills I discovered when I started my own self-healing journey- otherwise I'd be picking fights or crying all day. Ugh.

Whether it's hormone shifts or normal stress, emotions (anger, frustration, pain, sorrow) can control us in seconds. One moment we're fine and the next we're doing everything in our power to keep from freaking out. This happens with natural male/female hormonal shifts, limiting beliefs, low blood sugar, physical imbalance, hidden memories- a wide variety of factors. Either way, emotions are rushing through us.

And that's exactly what's happening. Something told our brains to release chemicals, causing us to feel tense, nauseous, weepy...out of our minds. So, now what? Some people eat, smoke, drink, get into a bar fight, drive recklessly....These are all distractions that keep us from feeling our emotions. They don't make the emotion go away faster (lots of times they don't even feel good) and afterwards, we're so filled with shame that we may dive into depression or punish ourselves. Distractions keep telling the fear, shame, anxiety, fear, shame anxiety... to keep cycling. Like a bad dream, you just need to safely relax and wait. If you give up and eat a cookie, don't worry, it's all a learning experience. You'll be better prepared next time.

When emotions have taken control, it's not a crises, it's an opportunity to heal ourselves- emotionally and consequently, physically. So what are the steps to taking advantage of this dubious gift?

First of all, we have to let ourselves feel. Our bodies are, literally, flooded with chemicals and there's no going back. It's here and we have to deal with it. If you're alone, sit down, do nothing for awhile and wait it out. Drinking water helps, as it flushes your system. If you're with others, go to the washroom or a private place.

Once you're safe, you need to express. Shutting the emotion down can lead to serious health concerns like heart attack, fibromyalgia, numbness, migraines, digestive issues... You get to choose how to release this surging energy. If you're angry, do or imagine something physical (the body reacts similarly). My anger can be bigger than my physical strength so I visualize hitting home runs- the muscle tense, the swing, the connection. Some people write. Some people create. Some people cry. Some people call up their best friend. Either way, be smart about how you vent your emotion. Very soon, you'll be clearheaded again and don't want to regret your actions such as a broken door or relationship.

Pay attention to your thoughts. What are the words or images that keep coming into your head? They will tell you what is REALLY bothering you. Follow those words or images as far back as is reasonable. Where do they come from? Your body, your memory, your mind? Where did this feeling originate from? What does it remind you of? When else did you feel this way? Like a detective, gather information about this well-buried persona.

Once you know the origination of the emotion, it's time to act as impartial interrogator. Is what you saw really true? Why or why not? What else could it mean? Why did you decide it meant what it did? What can you do about it? Question, question, question. The words and images will spin around but hold them lightly in your head until you're calmer and clear-headed. You have most if not all the answers already. Using hard won life experiences, you can go back in time and find clarity, compassion and understanding. If not, you'll get a very clear direction about what to do next. Maybe you need more information. Maybe you need to complete a circle. Maybe you need to open a new door. Either way, you are healing an emotional wound or limiting belief that shapes your real and perceived world.

So next time an emotion comes over you, don't stuff it, don't just vent it, don't only turn it into a macrame planter...heal it. Your body is healthier and life goes much, much smoother for your efforts.

Healthy Relationships, Healthy Body

People come to me in stress, pain and illness. I help them feel and live better. It's a great career.

I have a phrase, "people are needy because they aren't getting what they need". When our body hurts and we're sick- we're needy. When we feel or behave irritably, arrogantly and unreasonably- we're needy. We need something and people call me to inspire it. What most people need, are healthy relationships.

In healthy relationships, we sincerely care for someone and they sincerely care for us. Beyond that, we trust one another and openly share our inner lives. We both take time to understand, pay attention and encourage. We both dig deep for patience, compassion and respect. We both show up to the relationship and take turns leading the way.

So, how do we find healthy relationships? Are they a pipe dream meant for other people? First off, an exercise. Ask yourself two questions and write down the words that come up.

What is romantic love?

What is love? 

Are the answers the same or different? Do you avoid "love" because it feels like "romantic love"? Hold back feeling love because you're waiting for or afraid of romantic love? Save your love for romantic partners or when it's "safe" like with children, the elderly or with someone also guarded in love? Hide your expressions of love because it looks like romantic love? Use love as a reward or deny it as a punishment? Believe love is impractical, unreasonable and limited? Save your love until circumstances or people inspire it?

To create a healthy and meaningful relationships, you must first let yourself love. Love anything or anyone at all- a tree, a rock, chocolate, a cigarette, whiskey, a Playboy Playmate, Brad Pitt... Do nothing but sit in your desk chair and let yourself love. If you need a trigger, recall a memory or a person that inspires love in you. If you can't recall pure love, then mantra "I love you" in your head. 

Here's what happens:

1. Your body releases chemicals that relieve pain and discomfort.

2. Your immune system perks up.

3. Your muscles relax.

4. Your circulation increases.

5. Others sense your love and respond favorably.

6. Verbal and non-verbal communication flows.

7. Others become helpful and flexible, respectful and compassionate.

8. You make healthier life choices: physically, mentally, emotionally.

9. You get the support you need to feel good, live well and help you up when you fall.

Don't take my word for it, experiment with it in the grocery store, post office, your job. Try it on your partners, your kids, your co-workers. At first, they may wonder what you're up to; love is disarming. It may take a little while but you get good at seeing the subtleties of healthy relationships.  Love is a state of mind that creates health and well-being- body, mind, spirit. We're not only meant for isolation, always alone in our journey. A healthy life needs security and freedom, connection and detachment and sincere love for all parts of ourselves and others.

Choose to be in love and feel healthier, heal yourself (and others) and watch the magic happen.