Bad boy, bad boy...Watcha gonna do?

Did you ever fall in love with a bad boy (or girl), head over heels, crazy in your head in love...only to find out later on that they weren't strong and cool, they were insecure and scared? Come on, everyone's done it, or been it, at one time or another. Many of us were programmed to desire that external confidence and strength. No matter what the age, on one level or another, we're drawn towards it. 

What happens to those relationships, real or imaginary, when that bad person becomes strong enough to be vulnerable? Maybe we remember all the times we, as the "in love" person, flexed and adjusted to the others' whims. Or maybe waited (or not) for them to respond to our overtures. Was our "in love" really fear of being rejected? When that happened, when they shared their insecurities, did you eventually get angry, disillusioned, resentful? Perhaps suddenly we believed they were never good enough for us, and now they seem small and weak, hardly worth our time. "How could we be so stupid?" we ask ourselves, and proudly respond "That will never happen again!!". And we might not marry that personality type, but we still yearn for the tug and pull and excitement. "Maybe, maybe, maybe..."

Whether it be multi-million corporations, like Stark Electronics in Iron Man, or our spouse- when a formerly strong person shows their emotional weaknesses, we usually don't like them as much as we did, at first. Sure, in a movie, it's great. The boy and girl share their vulnerabilities and they live happily ever after. But in real life, when we've let ourselves be emotionally controlled by this apparent show of strength- perhaps investing money, time, our psyche, it's a big letdown when the object of our affection becomes multi-faceted, human, real. Showing weakness can be a kiss of death. That's probably why we walk around, afraid to ask for what we need and guarded against someone needing us.

But, who are the people, really, who show their weakness? Usually they're the ones who are comfortable with it. They feel strong enough that even if you took advantage of their soft spots, they would be okay. They aren't splashy or domineering with their strengths, rather, they've embraced their wholeness and are stronger for it. As a bonus, they are more sensitive, compassionate and caring about YOUR needs. They generally work harder, support more and are reliable. Hmmm.....

So, after the initial letdown and resentment, who do you want to love, to be in relationship with? The strong, silent type that makes you feel conflicted? Or the softer, yet rock solid personality. The one who embraces both their insecurities and strengths and has no problem expressing both. When the person you thought was powerful, starts to become weak....it's really a sign of strength. Are YOU strong enough to let them?

How To Get Your Needs Met

Have you recently given up something you needed or wanted for the good of someone else? Did you, at one time or another, hope a loved one would accommodate you and your needs and it didn't happen? Frustrating, isn't it? Here's a way to process through any natural irritation, resentment, anger and resignation and get what you need.

Julie Ann was planning a 3 day trip with her Significant. But then, he wanted to go to a house party during that same time, without her. In our minds, while reading this, many of us think, "okay, so what's the problem with that?" But when it happens to us, and it does, we may feel a variety of emotions from rejection, numbness and/or anger that our needs aren't getting met or because we feel blown off and unimportant. So how do we move through this energy and re-frame it so we can create the life and relationship we want?

First, let yourself be angry, hurt, whatever and stew about it for awhile to yourself. Julie Ann has monologues in her head where she says everything she's feeling. When an emotion is triggered, the body releases a cocktail of chemicals effecting our blood flow, energy level and ability to reason. When we deny this physical effect, it turns into headaches, stiffness and fatigue. All you can do is wait for the chemical to run it's course. Drinking water and having a healthy snack like fruit helps too.

When the emotion has leveled, somewhat, Julie Ann starts to question. She starts to remember how important this party is to her partner, their need to feel included, their need to feel independent. When this happens, in comes the depression and thoughts like, "Why don't my needs ever get met? Why am I always accommodating everyone else?" This time, she doesn't monologue in her head, she has a discussion where she says everything she's feeling on this emotional level and responds with her own innate wisdom. Wisdom like, "I often get what I want/need in life, I make sure of it." "I get a lot out of this relationship, understanding another's needs nurtures that." "There are many times they accommodate me and I don't even know it because they don't tell me."

After the internal discussion levels out Julie Ann's emotions, she starts to make alternate plans to get what she really wants and needs. For her, it's validation that she's important- which she gets by reflecting on positive memories, and time with her loved one- which she gets by suggesting a different event that works with both their schedules.

Relationships not only need compassion, they need grounded-ness to keep trying until we get what we need. When we respect but also look beyond our emotions, we find a way to create the life we want.