Making A Course Correction

It's a big world. It's very, very complicated. In a world of riots and ipads and debt problems, we as people still search for the key to peace and happiness. There are a lot of opinions out there about "the answer" and I thought I would throw in my two cents.

I'm discovering peace and happiness in a very unusual way- accepting that I'm a bad person. I'll never "give my all" or "live up to my potential". I can be lazy, thoughtless, careless and insensitive or oversensitive depending on the situation. This awareness isn't a mid-life crises, rather a mid-life awakening.

The typical response to "I'm a bad person" is "Oh, of course you're a good person!" even as I recall that I ate a donut and blew off my sister yesterday. Most people seem to view this self-acceptance as self-resignation or pride. Uh-Oh, maybe she needs anti-depressants or a reality check. In actuality, I'm becoming happier, more fulfilled, healthier and more accomplished. Who knew? Why?

Psychologists say that as women get older, they become more entrepreneurial and men become more altruistic. A natural progression from youth to adult to elder as we switch roles. Whether "nature" or "nurture" my own life reflects it. I'm becoming everything I judge harshly and my partner everything I covet. Weird. And disconcerting. This inner conflict causes all sorts of physical and psychological problems until we make sense of it.

What if we accept these life stages, these different points of view, as natural, valid and important? Without judgementalism? Being masculine or feminine, entrepreneurial or altruistic as a temporary way of seeing the world. For myself, I'm accepting I will never be entrepreneurial enough or altruistic enough to fit in the universally accepted "Good" or "Successful Person Box". Mutually exclusive by today's standards.

The world trains us to believe certain things about life. Usually by our twenty something parents who don't know any better or an establishment designed to keep us paying taxes, buying things and working ourselves into an early grave. As George Carlin says, "The American Dream". We spend a lot of time striving to be good parents, partners, children, workers, citizens, community members etc and the results reflect in the world events. Trying to be good people and then feeling guilty or self-righteous when we're not doesn't seem to work very well. It seems like the people who cheerfully accept that they'll never be good enough appear nicer and smarter than those who fight it. At least, that's how I'm feeling- nicer, smarter and more balanced, successful and compassionate.

I'm embracing that I am a bad person who does nice things. I'm finding it easier than pretending that I'm a good person who can't stop doing bad things or believing I'm a bad person who never does nice things or a guilty person seeking redemption. I do all sorts of bad and unprofessional things like sleep in late, ignore a phone call or have a grumpy day. I believe that we hold ourselves and others to unachievable standards. As the counselors say, "accepting the dark side" as a natural part of human nature brings me more success and wellness than fighting it.

As I sit here, I'm reminded of a Star Wars quote- "Don't try, do". What if, that sentence reflects a universal truth? Without the pressure of trying to be a good person, we become better and better people.

Why Can't I Sleep?

I'm in the business of relaxation. I have spent my whole life exploring the topic, I'm a comfort loving Taurus, and have become an expert on finding or creating inner peace amidst chaos. As those who have known me longest like to remind me, "I was kinda' nuts". I like to simply say that I'm a recovered over-achiever.

You'll find great internet articles on tips to help you sleep better at night. Non-habit-forming drugs, meditation and a hot bath. I can't not mention massage, a little plug here, after all I am a massage therapist. But all of these great ideas don't really take care of our sleep deprivation state. Don't kid yourself, sleep deprivation is one of the most harmful things you can do to your body, relationships and life. You are a miracle and your body is much smarter than any doctor. When you give it time to heal itself, it usually will.

So, how do I sleep so well? And I do- it's a hobby of mine :). Disregarding all of the tips and tricks, I sleep well because I really want to. More than I want to be "a good person". More than I want to "do it all". More than I want to be angry, hurt, right, upset or stressed. Knowing how important sleep is to feeling good, being happy and performing at my best, I make it a very high priority. I would rather train the people around me to respect my need for adequate sleep than be irritable and sick because I'm not sleeping enough or sleeping well. And the ones who love you know. They know when you aren't at your best or present to them no matter how hard you try or what you say. Lack of good sleep can make or break a relationship.

The first thing you need to do is, believe good sleep is the cornerstone to good health. And it is. Don't just take my word, science has been proving it for years. Do some research. Then, you need to look at WHY you aren't getting enough sleep. Start with, "It's because my spouse snores, etc" and move past that to, "I'm a good person if I'm suffering from sleep deprivation" or, "Lack of sleep is the consequence of being a good friend/spouse/parent" or, "I'm scared I'll be alone or friendless if I don't stress myself out or party all night or caffeine my brains out or eat at midnight."

When after some soul searching, counseling, spiritual guru-ing or a lightning bolt from the sky, you've determined the real reason why you aren't getting enough sleep, now it's time to challenge that belief. Reflect on your life. When have you been a totally unlovable jerk and the sun still came up the next morning? You stood toe to toe with your greatest fear and it wasn't that big of a deal? You were stupid and naive and screwed everything up and yet, here you are. Reflecting on both the bad and the good things in your life will give you a more open-minded perspective on why you aren't getting good sleep. It will probably give you enough insight to start making a significant change.

So you're ready to change, you researched what you should be doing differently and are applying it. Woo-hoo!! Change is hard though, and you're going to keep going back to your old habits. Every time you see they symptoms, it's time to stop and reflect. You'll go on a bender. Now stop and reflect. You'll pull an all-nighter. Stop and reflect. This is normal. Change takes a lot of time and repetition. When I know I am going to be tempted or most vulnerable to an old habit, I prepare for it. If I'm going to have to stay up late, I take time during the day to rest or take small naps. If my husband snores, I make accommodations by wearing earplugs, going to sleep before him or sleeping separately in a quieter room if it's particularly bad. Even if it's not fair that I have to accommodate someone so insensitive to my need for a good sleep :) Do I want to be right or do I want to feel good?

Everyone knows what to do to. If you don't, a quick google search will tell you everything you need to know about what interferes with sleep and what to do about it. Our problem with sleep is less about good information and more about why we aren't following it. I've learned how to create a life that gives me enough sleep. The consequence? I'm happier, feel physically better, don't get sick very often, am present to the people that matter to me and have many great and fulfilling relationships. I'm still a little nuts and have times when everything seems to be falling down on my head, but generally speaking, it's a great life.