How To Walk Through Your Walls

If you want to walk through your walls...just keep walking.

Every so often, it's good to take a break and reflect on how far you've come. It can be hard to remember, but usually your friends closest to you will tell you how much you've changed over the years. I used to disagree, after all, I'm still the same person I always was, only now I do things a little differently. That's technically accurate, but not what they're talking about. Many of us were taught to play down our new learnings and experiences, so we wouldn't come across as arrogant and insensitive, even to ourselves.

But just for a moment, let's play a game. Let's pretend we're looking at someone else's life for a minute so we can see ourselves more clearly. Is there something you have achieved or bought or learned or have today that you didn't have 10 years ago? For me, it's my own business. I always dreamed of being my own boss and now I am. I didn't agonize over it, rather, things just came together and it seemed like the next logical decision. I was fired and lacked the self-confidence to find another full time job. It seemed like the perfect time to start my own business because the fear of public rejection, at that moment, was bigger than the fear of quiet failure.

Perhaps being in a relationship again. Were you widowed, divorced, dumped and thought to yourself...I'll be alone forever. Did it happen? You might be single now, but, if you had to, could you make a relationship work? I read an article that said as some men get older, they get nicer to their wives because they depend on them more. They need someone to care for them so become more considerate, softer and flexible. We change and grow out of necessity. If we didn't, it's because we didn't believe it was necessary.

Maybe it's getting to know someone you've admired or reaching a goal or attaining a status. For the most part, your life is working in the background, setting up the experiences and achievements you've wanted. Life is a lot simpler than we think it is, if we give it the time to unfold. Even the most difficult situation works itself out with time, even if it's with your dying breath or after you've passed away. The things we didn't achieve, with time, we usually realize they didn't matter as much to us in the first place.

You're walking through your walls all the time. When you take the time to reflect, you'll see you've already achieved what you once thought was impossible or only dreamed of. If I've learned anything from my bodywork and mentoring practice, it's that we adapt to our new situations. Maybe it's illness, age, conflict or joy. Sometimes with a fight, sometimes effortlessly...but the universe seems to unfold in front of us. So the real question is...are you okay with that?

Bad boy, bad boy...Watcha gonna do?

Did you ever fall in love with a bad boy (or girl), head over heels, crazy in your head in love...only to find out later on that they weren't strong and cool, they were insecure and scared? Come on, everyone's done it, or been it, at one time or another. Many of us were programmed to desire that external confidence and strength. No matter what the age, on one level or another, we're drawn towards it. 

What happens to those relationships, real or imaginary, when that bad person becomes strong enough to be vulnerable? Maybe we remember all the times we, as the "in love" person, flexed and adjusted to the others' whims. Or maybe waited (or not) for them to respond to our overtures. Was our "in love" really fear of being rejected? When that happened, when they shared their insecurities, did you eventually get angry, disillusioned, resentful? Perhaps suddenly we believed they were never good enough for us, and now they seem small and weak, hardly worth our time. "How could we be so stupid?" we ask ourselves, and proudly respond "That will never happen again!!". And we might not marry that personality type, but we still yearn for the tug and pull and excitement. "Maybe, maybe, maybe..."

Whether it be multi-million corporations, like Stark Electronics in Iron Man, or our spouse- when a formerly strong person shows their emotional weaknesses, we usually don't like them as much as we did, at first. Sure, in a movie, it's great. The boy and girl share their vulnerabilities and they live happily ever after. But in real life, when we've let ourselves be emotionally controlled by this apparent show of strength- perhaps investing money, time, our psyche, it's a big letdown when the object of our affection becomes multi-faceted, human, real. Showing weakness can be a kiss of death. That's probably why we walk around, afraid to ask for what we need and guarded against someone needing us.

But, who are the people, really, who show their weakness? Usually they're the ones who are comfortable with it. They feel strong enough that even if you took advantage of their soft spots, they would be okay. They aren't splashy or domineering with their strengths, rather, they've embraced their wholeness and are stronger for it. As a bonus, they are more sensitive, compassionate and caring about YOUR needs. They generally work harder, support more and are reliable. Hmmm.....

So, after the initial letdown and resentment, who do you want to love, to be in relationship with? The strong, silent type that makes you feel conflicted? Or the softer, yet rock solid personality. The one who embraces both their insecurities and strengths and has no problem expressing both. When the person you thought was powerful, starts to become weak....it's really a sign of strength. Are YOU strong enough to let them?

How To Get Your Needs Met

Have you recently given up something you needed or wanted for the good of someone else? Did you, at one time or another, hope a loved one would accommodate you and your needs and it didn't happen? Frustrating, isn't it? Here's a way to process through any natural irritation, resentment, anger and resignation and get what you need.

Julie Ann was planning a 3 day trip with her Significant. But then, he wanted to go to a house party during that same time, without her. In our minds, while reading this, many of us think, "okay, so what's the problem with that?" But when it happens to us, and it does, we may feel a variety of emotions from rejection, numbness and/or anger that our needs aren't getting met or because we feel blown off and unimportant. So how do we move through this energy and re-frame it so we can create the life and relationship we want?

First, let yourself be angry, hurt, whatever and stew about it for awhile to yourself. Julie Ann has monologues in her head where she says everything she's feeling. When an emotion is triggered, the body releases a cocktail of chemicals effecting our blood flow, energy level and ability to reason. When we deny this physical effect, it turns into headaches, stiffness and fatigue. All you can do is wait for the chemical to run it's course. Drinking water and having a healthy snack like fruit helps too.

When the emotion has leveled, somewhat, Julie Ann starts to question. She starts to remember how important this party is to her partner, their need to feel included, their need to feel independent. When this happens, in comes the depression and thoughts like, "Why don't my needs ever get met? Why am I always accommodating everyone else?" This time, she doesn't monologue in her head, she has a discussion where she says everything she's feeling on this emotional level and responds with her own innate wisdom. Wisdom like, "I often get what I want/need in life, I make sure of it." "I get a lot out of this relationship, understanding another's needs nurtures that." "There are many times they accommodate me and I don't even know it because they don't tell me."

After the internal discussion levels out Julie Ann's emotions, she starts to make alternate plans to get what she really wants and needs. For her, it's validation that she's important- which she gets by reflecting on positive memories, and time with her loved one- which she gets by suggesting a different event that works with both their schedules.

Relationships not only need compassion, they need grounded-ness to keep trying until we get what we need. When we respect but also look beyond our emotions, we find a way to create the life we want.

Why Do We Feel Lonely?

Charlie was sitting at home, waiting for a phone call. Her mom called, a telemarketer, some guy from work. But still, the one person she wanted to hear from hadn't called. She felt terribly lonely. First she got mad, then sad. Then resigned to the fact that they weren't going to call. She remembered all the times she'd been blown off when little, been unimportant and ignored. That's when she called me and made an appointment.

Why do we feel lonely? When we're small, we have young and tender hearts. There are so many things we don't understand and through this misunderstanding, we get hurt. From a busy parent to a thoughtless remark, in this hectic world, our injured feelings rarely get validated. There's just no time (or interest) for most people to care. If we do have parents and friends who listen, they can't be there 24/7 and so from time to time, everyone remembers feeling emotionally isolated and lonely.

We first feel loneliness as children. My generation were latch-key kids. We spent time in day-cares, with babysitters and on our own. Television, books and peers shaped our internal reality. Some latch-key kids loved all the unstructured time. They had opportunities to grow and explore their interests. For others, emotional loneliness became a way of life- after all, big boys and girls don't cry. We became little adults who knew how to cope because there just wasn't enough time or patience to soothe a bruised heart.   

Irregardless of the generation, children actually raise themselves.  They keep their own counsel, create their own rules, decide what they believe. No one else can ever be inside their head, living their interior reality. Every child determines their own inner life and so ultimately, parent themselves. Most caregivers agree, all they can do is create a safe space and impart some wisdom along the way. Teenagers. Need I say more?    

On the downside of this self-parenting, children feel strong emotions without the insights of experience and an adult brain. They feel loneliness, but lack the wiring or knowledge to turn it around and feel connected.  To feel truly connected, we have to see things from an emotional AND logical viewpoint. To live it. To walk in another's shoes. To think far beyond our own projected, and limited, needs and feelings. By the time children have a full, adult body, they've created a whole reality based on incompletely understood experiences. To cope with these buried misunderstandings, we've created a culture of shame and blame, divorces and positive thinking quotes, all trying to make sense of our disconnection. In actuality, we just weren't taught how to feel connected and in turn, loneliness became helplessness. 

So what causes us to feel lonely? Loneliness begins in the mind and occurs when we feel disconnected. We've focused inward, built protective walls and forgot to feel bigger than ourselves. Maybe a childhood memory or intuition tells us it's not safe, timely or appropriate to feel connected. 

Despite what we believe, connection doesn't require people, safety, a ceremony or a soul-mate. Connection happens when we see/feel ourselves in other people, our surroundings, in the universe. We recognize our similarities and think BEYOND ourselves to our universal community. That's how we feel connected. How many of us were lucky enough to learn THAT as children. Not many. Loneliness signals us to put down our guard and recognize our inter-connectedness with life. Our place in the whole.

As children, we all feel lonely and misunderstood at one time or another because our brains and body MUST be focused on our growth and survival. If we're lucky, we're taught to think and consider different points of view. Taught how to relax and let ourselves feel our place in the world, our role in the bigger picture. If we weren't so fortunate, we carry those childhood hurts, loneliness and disconnect into our adulthood- letting it shape our choices and perceptions. At least until life hurts so badly we're forced to re-examine and open our minds.

Only when we re-examine our past, in the light of maturity, can we put our experiences in their proper place. Our childhood hurts and disappointments diminish with our conscious choice to love and connect. They don't go away, and they shouldn't. Instead, we see them with a wider, more experienced focus.

In this perspective, no one can hurt you.  You choose whether to feel lonely or connected. If you still feel hurt and loneliness, and who doesn't, it's part of the process of growing up. Nothing to be too concerned about. Look for the truth behind the emotion, the humanity behind the experience and choose to feel connected wherever you go- except when you'd rather not :)

Remembering How To Succeed

Do you ever have those moments when you're sure you're going to fail? It's not worth it. Why bother. People have been doing whatever it is you're WANTING to do since they were kids. They had a head start and you'll never catch up. "Well, what about Grandma Moses?" people say. "The painter that started in her 80's?" She's an anomaly, you tell yourself. Meant to be. The rest of us, we're just bozos on a bus.

Lately, I've increased my writing and been researching a wider audience for my work. Like authors, there are plenty of "publish your own novel" sites, or "pay $200 to be an Expert". Those just seem so... crass. I mean, when people are good at something- everyone knows it and they don't have to self-promote themselves. Right?

Maybe you don't have a college degree in the subject, or a Masters or a Doctorate, or a degree at all. Maybe you didn't finish high school. Maybe you weren't a child prodigy- who knew all along who they wanted to be and what they wanted to do with their life. So you settled with what would make a living, dreaming of the day the world would discover your awesomeness. Maybe you still dream of being a star or, loudly ridicule that "you wouldn't know what to do with all that fame and fortune anyways".

During my childhood, Princess Diana entered the world stage. Women and girls everywhere (and quite a few boys) pored over Diana's wedding and dreamed of being a princess. Like Snow White and Cinderella- SUCCESS looked like romance, beautiful clothes and unlimited funds. Every so often, do you compare your life to those fantasies and fall very short of the mark? Like me, do you mentally throw up your hands, turn your back and dive into a good book or chocolate until you once again forget your life looks nothing like your dreams? Or does it?

Within the last few months, I wrote and recorded a series of tools on "Success". The first one, lecture style, reframed the idea of success as the life I've already created for myself- trusting that I already follow my own instincts and wisdom; creating a reality I'm comfortable with. The next was a visualization, exploring personal symbols of success and deciding whether they're still relevant. The last, a meditation of forgiveness, to help process beliefs that hold us back from following our goals.

In the process of writing these, I listened to them, used them and absorbed their message. If you're thinking they sound like, "you're getting very sleepy. you are successful. you are a winner", you might want to change your expectations. They took me through my own journey of reframing success and looking at it with adult eyes, so both my conscious and subconscious minds could work in harmony. After all, I had a lot of fairy princesses and pots of gold to sort through and only repeating the phrase, "I'm a winner" wasn't going to cut it.

I listened to these recordings about 2-3 times a day for a week. Not only analyzing, but testing. "Are these working?" I could feel them working. Beliefs and memories that blocked me now seemed small, limiting, and I could feel old tension drop away while blood started to flow freely in the parts that held those beliefs. Cool!!

Time passed and here we sit today, researching audiences for my writing and feeling like if I've got a magic keyboard, nothing needs to be said. Why promote myself? Why bother? Then again, why bother writing anything at all- no one's found me yet so I guess they won't. Is there any chocolate in the house?

Then out of the blue, I remember. "Oh yeah. I'm already successful. I'm living a pretty cool life. And parts I don't like, have a very good purpose for being. There's nothing to do except enjoy the ride". I guess the "Success" recordings worked after all.

Overcome Shame With Compassion

Why can we get so hurt and mad when someone "pokes fun at us"? Sometimes it's no big deal and we fire back. Other times they hit a sensitive spot and we rewind into our past, some time or event when we felt ashamed.

Shame is personal. It implies more than just unpopular behavior, it implies we're broken and possibly un-fixable. With that doomsday cloud hanging over our heads, it's a wonder we get through our days at all.

Shame comes in many forms- a look, a voice, a phrase, body language. We use it quite effectively to keep our children out of the street (Get over here!) and influence our partners, (You're not going to wear THAT are you?). It's also used to keep someone silent (Just shut up!) and maintain the status quo (What, are you stupid?). When we start looking for shame, it's everywhere. It's not always obvious- sometimes we imply shame by being TOO helpful when we're clearly unhappy, (No, it's fine, really) or by setting someone up to fail (I KNEW he'd forget to take out the garbage!). As a world we've shamed and been shamed.

With a voice or body language or a phrase, we try to influence someone to feel bad enough to stop doing whatever they're doing- covertly calling them thoughtless, insensitive and stupid... It's hard not to take shame personally because it passes judgment on our person-hood. However, as effective as it is short-term, (and really, is it?) shame sparks a whole host of seemingly unrelated, long-term, destructive behaviors.

When someone feels shamed, they may get mad, unreasonable, defiant. Sometimes they shut down and refuse to communicate. Other times they hide their creativity and intelligence, looking the part but seething, hurting and planning their battles. Shame holds us back in sports, business, relationships, life. How many of us see our goals and give up before we reach them? Sure that we can't do it. We justify ending relationships, jobs, or justify keeping relationships and jobs because underneath we believe we deserve unhappiness. We use eating, shopping, drugs, competition...whatever we can find to make us feel like better people and distract ourselves from those feelings of "not good enough".

This isn't pop psychology where I now give you, "the answer" or validate that you're a "good guy" not one of those horrible "other people". The people doing the shaming, is us. And don't kid yourself, we all use it because it presses buttons. We feel it's expedient and necessary to get what we want and do so, shamelessly, because we can't directly feel our targets' complicated and emotional inner experience. "It's just a tool", we think, "so what's the harm?". The shamer is much more objective and detached than the one being shamed so it's easy to use. It's clean, it's effective and if they've got a problem with it, that's their fault- they should have known better. Like bombs and grenades and war tactics for the emotions.

So what's next? Shame is everywhere and while it holds us back as people and cultures, we're not going to eradicate it in ourselves or others. Acceptance, as they say, is the first step. We're not going to get rid of it, so instead be mindful of when we feel like using it. But how do we get around the well planted seeds in our psyche, as shamer and shamed? One way, is with compassion.

Compassion is bigger than feeling sorry. Compassion comes with emotion, acceptance and connection. We feel someone's difficulty (because we've felt similarly), understand where it comes from (because we know ourselves well), see where it's going (action = consequence) and mindfully choose our response (I'm not doing THAT again). Compassion gives us clearer vision in our relationships. Taking the time to respond with compassion rather than react unreasonably changes the shame choreography and rewrites our scripted past.

Compassion in the face of shame may look like this. Boss: "If you're 5 minutes late, don't bother to come at all!". Employee Thought 1: "What an inflexible jerk! I really need this job!" (this might take a day or 2 or a week or a year). Employee Thought 2: "Wait, sometimes I'm inflexible and unreasonable. And, if worst came to worse, it might be hard to be unemployed but I've done it before." Employee Thought 3: "When someone acts unreasonably, usually there's something else going on. Is it humane to pass judgement on them without all the facts? Is it humane to feel terrorized, essentially turning them into a monster?" Magic happens when we choose compassion and resist shame's influence.

Compassion gives us options: take their comment into consideration without taking it personally, look for a new situation, temporarily write off their temper as stress, show up 5 minutes early or develop rapport with them, waiting patiently for an opportunity, then compassionately pointing out the similarities between being 5 minutes late and their less than perfect behavior. Because there will come a time when they are less than perfect- such as when they lost their cool and yelled at you.

In these situations, one of my favorite funny lines is, "Oh, so it's okay for you to make a mistake but it's not okay for me. I get it. Good to know." Whereas my good friend addresses it directly with, "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that. Next time please speak to me differently." He then convincingly adds, "or I'll have to go the Union Steward." (or whomever fits the situation). I'm not comfortable speaking so directly so when necessary, I rehearse it until I am. The feminine generally responds to humor while the masculine responds to clear boundaries.

It's important to match the method with the situation. By compassionately pointing out our collective humanity, people heal their own shameful past. Usually becoming nicer, more flexible people.

Breathe Peace

Photo Courtesy of Van Archiquette

Do you wish you had more peace? Do you feel you need rules and tools and divine intervention to find it? Most of us live a normal, nutsy life and look for peace in parks, moments, people and experiences. Some of us use tools like meditation, music or massage to transport us to tranquility. As a culture, we search for peace and forget, or never knew, peace in the middle of everyday chaos.

The esoteric answer "peace comes from within", frustratingly, doesn't come with an instruction manual. Does your curious mind ask, "Yes, but... how and where do I find peace inside me?" only to hear "You think too much." Although true, peace does come from within, simple answers like these leave us feeling stupid and stressed instead of peaceful. We suffer the "If I would only..." syndrome. Instead of searching for the nearest Valium, lets sit with the frustration just a little longer while we look closer at the "how" and "how to" of peace.

"Breathe Peace" was coined by my friend as a young man. To me, breathe peace means that with our breath, we breathe in peace and send it back out into the world. It's a lovely way of seeing peace as both action and experience. It gives us something constructive to do instead of running after the promise of peace.

But wait, is that allowed? Didn't the media, marketing and religion teach us that peace must be earned or mystically bestowed? Peace is something that happens to us, leaving us longing and unworthy when it's gone? What if peace wasn't only a noun or adjective, but a vibrant, living verb? Full of color and movement and life. The idea of "breathing peace" brings the action into focus as well as the experience.

This "Breathing Peace" versus "Looking For Peace" came in sharp review today as I compared two recent summer weddings. The first one, I wasn't invited to and didn't really mind. I knew this person wasn't slighting me and was glad they were wise with their money. I moved past any "poor me" in moments. The second, I WAS invited to and felt disturbed for weeks. Wondering at deeper, darker intentions and picking the invitation apart, eventually deciding to stay home. It's curious how different interpretations of similar events trigger opposite feelings. Weird.

Our every day is made of unique interpretations of what we see, hear, feel, taste, smell, perceive... What, exactly, is real? To follow that thought, if most of what I see is my interpretation, I get to make everything flex to fit what I'd LIKE  to believe. The sun comes up because the universe is shining on me. She took my parking space because she's got so much on her mind she can't be nice. They invited me because although they don't always like me, sometimes they do. Keeping it just reasonable enough to fit our rational side and positive enough to let us move on to enjoying our life. Choosing peace. Breathing peace.

So, how do you find peace when you're decidedly disturbed? There's a million tools out there from mantra-ing the word "peace" to sitting by a tree to spending time with friends and family. What you're REALLY doing is telling yourself it's time to feel peaceful. You could skip the middleman and go directly to the verb- breathe peace. When you make a regular appointment with yourself to breathe peace, wherever you are, you will find it's as easy as imagining it.