The Biology of Attraction

As a massage therapist, I have a fascination with the senses. One of the reasons I chose massage therapy is because I love how people look, smell, feel and sound. I get to use all of my senses to get to know someone and am highly interested in how we subtly interact with one another on a subconscious level.

I also study the biology of the body/mind. What physically influences us to feel and behave one way or another? What is and what effects good health, relationships and communities? Science is only now starting to scratch the surface. The results both support and disagree with common beliefs and intuition about how we work. I could go on and on.

There have been some wonderful studies over the past decade regarding biology and attraction. In the past, researchers have avoided the science of attraction because many people wanted to believe we were above our physical instincts. Yet why does attraction seem so controlling and so fickle? Recent studies have brought some light to the subject. We're finding that instead of controlling our physical form, we're usually mentally justifying it instead.

Here are the top 10 things that resonated with me:

1. Women, more than men, can smell the health of someone. If someone smells too sweet, women reject them because it can mean diabetes or schizophrenia.

2. Women can tell which men are more genetically related to them and which aren't. They can smell a different immune system. When women are pregnant (or on the pill), they prefer men that smell like their brothers, cousins etc. When women are not pregnant, they prefer men who smell different than their family. Researchers theorize that women prefer to be protected when they are pregnant.

3. Testosterone increases pheromone, the attraction hormone, in men and women. You can increase testosterone through exercise, competitive or aggressive activities, smelling a woman who is ovulating or taking a human growth hormone. Basically, men smell women's fertility and create more pheromones to increase their attractiveness. Showering less often, eating healthier, having more body hair and avoiding onions, garlic and scent will increase how well women can smell your pheromones.

4. Single men rate ovulating women more attractive and men in committed romantic relationships rate them as less. Researchers theorize that men's psyche protect them from temptation.

5. When ovulating, women rate men with higher testosterone more attractive than usual. Men with higher testosterone have squarer features, a more dominant personality and more pheromones. In a nutshell, women's sexual preferences change when she's ovulating, making other men more attractive than her romantic partner.

6. When women are ovulating, they dress, move, sound, talk and smell different. They seem to behave differently and many men notice it on a subconsious level.

7. The pre-menstrual cycle is different than the ovulation cycle, they encompass different hormones and signs. For ovulation, good personal cues are increased self-confidence, increased sexual interest, behaving more extraverted and getting more attention from single men.

8. Pheromones are generally odorless although some perceive it as the smell of dirty socks. They are picked up by the Vomeronasal Organ which is connected at the base of the nasal cavity.

9. After an orgasm, our hormonal cocktail changes significantly. For men, immediately, and women within about a week, we seem chemically induced to look for a new mate.

10. Frequent orgasms can biologically create an addictive cycle that inhibits long term feelings of bonding, increases social anxiety and encourages impotence.

All right, the body is really, really complicated. Add in our individual psychological makeup and it can be nearly impossible to "know" what's really going on. The nicest thing is that understanding that our feelings and urges are both psychological and biological, helps us make educated choices regarding our lives. So I guess I'll just keep touching people, talking to them and let the magic remain.

References: for more information or the studies themselves, please refer to the following sources:
The Neurochemistry of Sex
The Vomeronasal Organ
Porn and Social Anxiety
Scent of a Woman
The Smell of Love

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Hello everyone, I hope you're doing well. Today's topic is Love. Actually, one of my favorites. And as we've seen throughout time, a popular topic, because everyone experiences love in one form or another, usually, and we can't live without it.

I spent a delightful evening this weekend, talking about love and romance with a long ago friend I hadn't seen in quite awhile. This friend was sharing with me his perspective on love and romance. He felt that true romantic love required a constant spark of energy. A chemical desire to, no matter what, be with that unique person. I listened closely both because his point of view didn't match my own and because he has had more hands on experience with the bio-chemical aspect of romance. Does there really exist a person or persons for everyone that inspires that constant simmering desire? Or does love mellow and ebb and flow depending on the day and the direction of the wind?

One of the reasons I love hearing new perspectives, is because they let me see the edges of my psychological box. As an emotionally sensitive person, I'm not crazy about emotional risks. Like most people, I'd rather avoid new experiences if they might lead to painful experiences. I've had my share of painful experiences and made peace with most of them. And, in the process, I've narrowed my field of vision. I take risks in my reality because they are no longer emotionally risky for me. Liberating, yes, and also at times a little boring.

So back to love. It's easier and less painful to believe that love ebbs and flows, that everything changes and to keep a mellow point of view about life. It's more graceful. And yet, we all need to break out of the "safe" box every so often to keep life from becoming routine and bland. The smarter we seem to become, the less thrilling life can become. It seems that mystery is an important part of living life. As a favorite spiritual philosopher of mine says, "What would you do with enlightenment? Create a holy business?".

We easily get caught in our own paradigm, our own story of what is real. Even the most "enlightened" viewpoint is still a personal version of life. Maybe I've let my desire to be safe and graceful get in the way of new possibilities and probabilities. If I believe all realities exist, and I do, then why wouldn't there be a romantic love that lasts throughout time? Do I resist the magical and mysterious and shortchange myself? According to my friend, I do.

So maybe I've been enlightened long enough and am ready to be not so smart again. To be surprised and excited, scared and freaked out. I trust myself more, as most people do as they live life, which means I can trust myself to still make decent choices when the chips are down. Or at least to be better at getting away with the choices I do make.

What my friend has done for me is help me realize that maybe magic does exist. It's up to me to stay open to it and enjoy it.

Give Conflict a Chance

Peace. It's a loaded word. What does it look like? What does it mean?

Is it the absence of conflict? Can peace exist without conflict? I think most people are secretly conflicted about peace. Just look at peace negotiations.

There are times and events in my life that predictably and unpredictably trigger my inner conflict- holidays, certain events, certain memories. Doesn't everyone want to get drunk at Christmas? I become agitated, tense, confused and all of the swirling emotions with just the whisper of a thought of something I'm conflicted about.

Generally speaking, I don't like feeling conflicted. When I am, it takes all of my self-control to drive by the Dairy-Freeze. Sometimes the triple fudge sundae wins. Sometimes, someone unintentionally volunteers to fight with me. Either way, I inevitably seem to lose- even when I won. Strained pants, strained relationships and remorse. I've spent a lot of time avoiding conflict or rushing into it. I've batted poorly using those life strategies.

Conflict is something that sneaks up on us. We think we are objective, open minded people until...whoops...we become righteously angry, narrow minded and rude. Do you think everyone around you can't see and feel it? If you're lucky, they ignore you. We usually don't see it as conflict because we are distracted by a grab you by the hair kind of feeling. If you pay attention to the aftermath, you'll notice that you were/are conflicted on one level or another. Although my partner enjoys feeling "right" at times, he doesn't always enjoy it when I consequently walk out of the room or the inevitable remorse when I prove he was being stupid. Make up sex you say? Seriously, how many long-lasting happy relationships say make up sex kept them together?

So, how do I, personally, get rid of conflict and the resulting butt-kicking, stomach aches and wrinkles that come with it? I don't. I make peace with it.This life strategy works like a charm. The more I accept I'm conflicted and then use tools like art, dialogue, meditation, dreams etc to learn more about my conflict, the less it controls me and the more I broaden my point of view to include both of the conflicting thoughts. For example, writing on my hand, "my family loves me very much" to remind me that although my family makes me crazy, they love me and are doing their best. Or, recognizing that getting drunk can keep me from feeling so crazy, however, I will feel remorseful about the resulting photographs on facebook of me in my bra and panties at "Red's". My current strategy is going to the bathroom and texting "they're all crazy!!" until I'm calm again.

In more mature relationships, I talk about what I'm feeling in a respectful and honest way and usually find out that my assumption was off the mark. A friend of mine says, "if you don't hear from me, it just means I didn't call". I don't/didn't need to cry. I don't/didn't need to freak out. And my crying and freaking out creates/created a crises when there is/was none. When freaking out is just in the cards and I can't help it, I admit it and laugh and it levels out. In most relationships, the more I question and learn, the less conflicted I feel. Even if I initially feel conflicted, with time, I've found greater and greater peace. Another friend of mine says, "just keep showing up".

There are a couple of things I remind myself of over and over (especially before Christmas)

- I don't believe it's possible to be "totally right" or "totally wrong".

- The further you go in one emotional direction is the further you will go in the other.

- It is through conflict that we find peace.

- We know peace because we know conflict.

- I am judgmental about something I don't fully understand or have compassion for.

- A definition of wisdom is peacefully holding two conflicted beliefs, simultaneously.

The ANSWER TO THE UNIVERSE!! By making peace with my conflict, I've become more comfortable with the creepy and unsettling feeling that comes with conflict. Except when you're a stupid idiot who should never be allowed to drive!! Jerk.